The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 51-53


Chapter 51:

God: Hey, everyone who isn’t a jerk, but pursues righteousness and justice. Think back to Abraham and how I took him from one man to tens of millions today. I’m going to bless Judah the same way and make even the deserts like a lush garden.

Pay attention! I’m going to establish justice, righteousness, and salvation. Everything else will die, but my salvation will be forever. Don’t be afraid of men, continue in my justice which is forever.

“Isaiah”: Wake up, Lord! Help us out. Didn’t you defeat the chaos dragon god and cut up Rahab into pieces? Didn’t you part the Red Sea?

God: I am the one who comforts. Don’t be afraid of mortal men. I’m bigger than he is. The exiles will go home.

Wake up, Jerusalem. You’ve drunk the dregs of my anger and are laid waste. Listen. Never again will I pour out my anger on you… except in 70 AD with the Romans… But I’ll give the cup of my anger to your enemies now, because karma is a bitch.

 

Chapter 52:

God: Awake, Jerusalem. Get all dolled up. No longer will the Gentiles enter your gates.

Caesar Titus: Uh… about that….

God: Quiet. Anyway, I threw you into bondage for nothing and will redeem you for nothing. I’ve been watching you guys suffer everywhere and notice that all of the heathen keep making fun of Me, so I’m going to act now.

It’s sure going to be great one day when messengers arrive proclaiming the end of war. When God reigns and we can all celebrate and party. Everyone has seen now how big God’s arm cannons are. Dude can curl like 20,000,000 lbs.

God: OH YEA! (Tears his shirt off)

Everyone get out of Gentile-ville and don’t touch anything with their Gentile cooties on it. You’re not going to run, God will lead you out and cover your six.

God: I’M THAT BIG. ARGGGGG!!!  (flexes)

Jesus: Hey, Dad… we’re going to talk about me now, right?

God: FINE. LOOK AT THIS KID. DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?

Jesus: No… you’re supposed to write about how I suffer for the sake of everyone now.

Jews: Are you sure that’s not a passage about us and your gospel writers were just retrofitting the story of Jesus to match up?

Jesus: Do you want to be a part of my future, possibly mythological, earthly kingdom or do you want to be killed with my sword mouth?

Jews: We’ll just be over here then. I hope this minor disagreement doesn’t lead to centuries of us being murdered by your followers.

Jesus: Hahaha… yeah… you keep hoping there, Sluggers.

 

Chapter 53:

God: Alright… my kid is super awesome. He doesn’t look like much… seriously, Jesus… hit the gym, would you? Would it kill you to do some power squats? Look at my glutes, Dude. Anyway, he’s not going to look like much, he’ll be betrayed, beaten, tortured, totally familiar with every one of your human sorrows and miseries. He’ll understand it all. And he has a really bad Friday involving nails going through his limbs and hanging him up on a tree. I’m totally going to beat the crap out of him because you guys lie and steal and jerk off too much.

They’re probably going to throw him into a peasant grave, but he’ll get buried in a cave instead.

Seriously, it makes me happy to torture the kid and have him killed. I’ve moved up from animals to humans now.

But all of you can come to heaven now… I guess… no uggos or wimps, though. Gotta be swoll.

Jesus: Daaaaad.

God: OKAY… FINE. UGGOS AND WIMPS CAN COME IN TOO.

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