The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 54-56


Chapter 54:

Everyone is going to have lots of babies when God bring Judah back from captivity and they’re going to expand and live in all of the cities that were unoccupied.

God says to not be afraid and forget the bad past between the two of you. This time it will be different, Baby. Sure, I kicked you out, but now you can come back home and we’ll forget the night that Cops filmed us on the front yard screaming at each other.

I promise I will never be angry with you again.

Everything will be perfect and you’ll be covered in expensive jewels and you’ll be the obedient wife I’ve always wanted.

 

Chapter 55:

If anyone is thirsty, come to me. If anyone hungers, come and eat. I give freely to all.

Why are you wasting your time on other pursuits that won’t satisfy. Come to me and live.

Seek God while He can still be found. He’s very good at playing Hide and Seek.

Everyone stop being shitty to each other and God will have compassion on us.

“I’ll have compassion on you because I’m not like you,” God said. “My word never fails. And one of these days, you’re going to go home and be happy and the rocks will sing and the trees will clap their hands.”

So Trolls and Ents are real, then?

 

Chapter 56:

Act with justice. Do what is right. The salvation of God is coming soon.

The man who does this will be blessed.

Even foreigners and eunuchs will be welcome this time into the assembly of God. The one who cannot have children will have a reputation and name better than children and that name will last forever.

The foreigners who do what is right will be welcome in my Temple which will be a house of prayer for all nations.

But for everyone I don’t like, the lions and tigers and bears…

George-Takei-oh-my

will eat them.

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