The TL:DR Bible: Isaiah 60-63


Chapter 60:

“Hey, Israel, get up. It’s morning time in Jerusalem again. Everyone else’s lives suck, but you guys are having a golden age. Everyone is coming to bask in your greatness. And you guys are going to get super rich again as camels cover the land.”

“Who’s going to clean up after those camels?” the janitor said.

“Uh,” God said, “It’s not important. They’ll be bringing gold and-“

“Well, it’s important to me. I don’t want to be shoveling camel shit off the roads all day long.”

“Okay, they will be poopless camels, okay? Happy now? Point is, you’re all going to be rich. Rams will willingly leap on my altar-“

“Baaaaa,” the sheep said, which roughly translated meant, “Like hell, I will.”

“It’s just an expression, okay, stop getting hung up on them. The point is, you’re all going to be rich because I’m happy with you then. Not now. Now your life sucks because I don’t like you all that much, but then! Then it will be different. I promise, we’re going to build your walls and Persia will pay for them. And seriously, everyone is going to love the Jews from now on!”

“Ehhhhhh,” Hitler said.

“Oh, yeah… that guy,” God said. “But seriously, everything’s great. And it’s all going to happen really soon. Soon may mean up to 5,000 years later.”

“What was that last part?”

“Nothing. I’m just God. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate, but I will totally get to everyone loves the Jews and you’re all filthy rich really soon, okay?”

 

Chapter 61:

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. The Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the oppressed, to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom. To tell of the favorable year of the Lord and his vengeance upon the jerks of the world. Take comfort, turn that frown upside down. You’re all going to be called Oaks of Righteousness. You’re going to rebuild everything and everything is going to be great. You’re all going to be priests of the Lord and foreigners will serve you.

 

Chapter 62:

“Seriously, guys, it’s going to be great really soon and nothing but smooth sailing for the Jews.”

“Ehhhh,” said Hitler.

“Geez. Why did I invite that guy?” said the Lord.

 

Chapter 63:

Isaiah: I see a guy coming over from Edom. Who are you?

God: God.

Isaiah: Why are your clothes all red?

God: Because I’ve killed like a LOT of people. Just like A LOT. Seriously. Did you know people make a popping sound when you step on them? I mean, I tried to get other people to help, but no one was up for an apocalyptic bloodbath and stepping on men, women, and children.

Isaiah: Wow… uh, change of subject. Isn’t God super loving?

Jewish peasant: Did you not just hear that bit about stomping people to death?

Isaiah: Just think of how good he’s been to us! Even though we sinned against him. Hey, God. Why don’t you come back now?”

Jewish woman: Please don’t! He was dripping blood all over my daisies.

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