The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 1-2


Chapter 1:

Hi, all, Jeremiah here. God started speaking to me during the reign of King Josiah of Judah right through the fifth month after the sack of Jerusalem. So God told me:

“Hey, before you were even born, I knew you. You’re going to be my spokesman.”

“But Lord, I can’t speak…”

“Let me stop you right there. Moses already tried that crap on me and I didn’t let him out of it. You’re my guy.”

Later…

“Hey, Jeremiah, what do you see?”

“A rod from an almond tree.”

“Good eyes, kid, what else do you see?”

“A boiling pot facing South.”

“Out of the North, enemies will come and lay siege to Jerusalem. I’m bringing them here to punish you guys for worshipping idols. God tell the people this and don’t worry, I’ll protect your life when they try to kill you.”

“Kill me? Uh… tell me again, why you just can’t tell them yourself?”

“There’s a very good reason for that.”

“Which is?”

“None of your business. Now get to the talking, kid.”

Chapter 2:

“Hey, kid, God here. Go tell the people this:

I remember how you guys were devoted to me way back after I brought you out of Egypt. How you loved me and killed animals for me.”

“Wait. I’ve read the first five books of the bible and those guys were assholes and you kept killing them and threatening genocide on them pretty much from day one.”

“What fault have you people found in me that you turn from killing animals for me and start killing animals for other gods?  Look around? Has a nation ever changed gods before? I mean, when they weren’t really gods? I’ve done nothing but good things for you, and you’re going after Baal and looking to Egypt and Assyria for military help. I set you guys free and you guys refuse to love me, but like donkeys in heat keep going to other gods. Well, let those gods help you now, huh? But you’ll still refuse to come to me. So just know that Egypt will fail you because I’m tired of you all stepping out on me and killing animals for other gods and for oppressing the poor.”

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