The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 3-5

Chapter 3:

And God said, “When a man divorces his wife… heh, yeah a man, cause my law ain’t letting no chicks file for divorce… and his wife leaves and marries another dude, does her first husband go get her? Wouldn’t that make you all sick? We don’t share vaginas here, people. But you guys are totally letting all these other gods into your spiritual vagina… and then coming back to me.  God is not going to be an Eskimo brother with Dagon… I don’t want to smell like fish, man… but you guys keep slutting it up with Baal, so I’ve stopped the rains. But you guys keep whoring it up with other gods, so why are you bugging me now?”

“Hey, Jeremiah, do you see what a slut Israel and Judah have been? Getting it on everywhere with other gods. So I got sick of it and divorced Israel and sent them to Assyria. But Judah kept whoring it up anyway, so Israel is better than Judah. So Israelites? Come back, admit your whorin’ ways, and I will bring you to the perfect kingdom of Zion, and you guys won’t be whores anymore, but faithful to me.”

“But seriously, you guys are all spiritual sluts and I don’t like you right now… seriously, I’m much more handsome than Ba’al.”


Chapter 4:

“If you guys just come back to Me, then everything will be great again. We totally won’t end up on another episode of Cops yelling at each other on our lawn in our underwear.”

“Why don’t you guys cut off the foreskins of your heart?”

“That sounds painful and possibly deadly… we kind of need the pericardium.”

“It’s figurative! Anyway, I’m going to bring up a nation to kill most of you and cart the rest of you off as slaves anyway.”

“Seriously?” Jeremiah said. “Right after telling us that if we come back, it’ll be cool again? That sounds like you’re lying to us.”

“Yeah, but if you guys repent, it’ll all be fine, but seriously, bad stuff is coming.”

Jeremiah goes off to cry while God continues to spout doom.


Chapter 5:

“Just to be fair, why don’t you go look around the city, Jerry and see if you can find one guy who acts with justice. Then I’ll spare the city.”

“Do I count?” Jerry said.


“Okay then.”

“You won’t find anyone, you know.”

“Then why are you sending me out looking for one?”

“I’ve tried. I’ve tried beating the shit out of them, but no one returns to me.”

“Maybe if there was less beating the crap out of them and more just showing up in Jerusalem with the glory and the shining…”

“Hey, do I tell you how to do your job?”

“Yes! All the time!”

“Well, that’s beside the point…”

“Well, maybe they don’t know your law. Why don’t I go teach them about how you like your animals killed?”

“Medium-rare… seriously, how hard is it to get a decent medium-rare from your priests? Anyway, I’m pissed off with all of you and you’re all going to die now. Well, not now, but soon… and not all of you, but most of you. And it’s because you cheated on me, you filthy whore!”

“And then when those Babylonians come up and kill most of you, then they’ll say, “Why has God forsaken us?” and you’ll say, “Because you were dirty whores with your whoring with other gods!” Burn.”


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