The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 11-14


Chapter 11:

God tells Jeremiah to go tell the cities of Judah that they’ve broken the covenant with God and God will bring disaster upon them. Some jerks in the city of Anathoth don’t like the message and threaten Jeremiah, so God tells him don’t worry about it, he’s going to kill them all within a year.

 

Chapter 12:

Jeremiah says, “Hey, God? Why are you letting evil people prosper? And evil people? No one likes you, not even your family.”

God says, “I’m really angry at them and will let another nation destroy Judah, but then I’ll be nice God again and let them come back.”

Anyone else starting to think that Jeremiah could be a much shorter book since just about every chapter has the exact same prophesy?

 

Chapter 13:

“Hey, Jerry.”

“Oh… hi, God.”

“Jerry, go down to the market and buy a new linen cummerbund, put it on and wear it for a while, but don’t wash it.”

“O-kay…”

Several days later.

“Okay, take the cummerbund and go to the river Euphrates and bury it there.”

“Euphrates? Seriously, that’s like 800 miles away. It’ll take weeks to get there, even riding a camel. Can’t we just use the Jordan river?”

“No, it’s very important that it’s the Euphrates.”

“Okay, but if I get back and you tell me to go back and dig it up again, I’m going to be pissed.”

Several months later…

“Jerry, go dig up that cummerbund.”

“DAMN IT!”

Several weeks later…

“Okay, it’s ruined.”

“Just like Judah…”

“Seriously? That’s your great object lesson that took like eight months out of my life?”

“Pretty much, yeah…”

“This job sucks.”

“Why don’t you go tell everyone I’m going to kill them again because they’re assholes?”

“Sigh… I wonder if Ba’al is hiring…”

 

Chapter 14:

“Hey, God?”

“Yeah, Jerry?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the drought down here is pretty severe. Maybe you could help us out so we don’t all die? Yeah, I know we’ve been assholes and worshipped other gods, but please have mercy on us.”

“No. And stop praying for them because I’m going to kill them all with the sword.”

“But if you kill us all with drought first, there won’t be anyone left to die by the sword. And anyway, don’t blame the people. There’s a bunch of other prophets out here saying that you won’t kill us all with the sword.”

“Heh… they don’t know me, do they?”

“I guess not…”

“Now I’m going to extra super kill those prophets by the sword! Oh, and everyone else too!”

“Okay, but about the drought? Maybe you could do something about that too?”

“Eh…I’ll think about it.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s