The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 15-18


Chapter 15:

“You know,” God said, “Even if Moses and Samuel were here to beg for this nation, I wouldn’t listen. I’m going to kill some of them, well, most of them with the sword and starvation, and some will go into captivity, but I’m going to kill some of them with dogs and birds and lions and stuff… because Manasseh really cheesed me off. And things will really suck for the Jews.”

“Hey, Lord,” Jeremiah said, “This job really sucks. Everyone hates me and tries to kill me. Could you do something about that?”

“Yeah, return to my service and I’ll make you unmovable and no one will kill you.”

 

Chapter 16:

“Hey, Jerry. I’ve noticed that you’ve noticed a few of the girls around here.”

“Well, yeah, I guess. It might be nice to have a wife. Internet porn will only take you so far.”

“Ha. Yeah. Stay faithful to that right hand, dude, because you can’t marry any of these local girls. They’re all going to die of disease and famine and rot in the open fields and streets.”

“This… this is another crappy object lesson that makes my life worse for no real returns, isn’t it?”

“Yep. And don’t mourn for them because they really deserved it. And don’t go out partying with them either, because I don’t like them.”

“Ya think?”

“Oh, oh, and if anyone asks you why they’re suffering so, you tell them that it’s because their fathers didn’t worship me correctly and were whores with other gods.”

“Yeah, I’ve told them that like… what chapter is this?… 16 times already.”

“But then, after they’re punished-“

“You’ll bring them back to the land and everything will be super awesome again…”

“Would you like a plague of locusts in your pants, Jerry?”

“No.”

“Then don’t interrupt again.”

 

Chapter 17:

Hey, did you know that the Lord is angry with Judah for their sins and is going to let them be taken away into captivity because of it?

Yeah, I’m shocked too.

Anyway, some verses on how the bad people are cursed despite all evidence to the contrary and how the good people are blessed and the hearts of the people are corrupt and wicked and God is going to repay every man according to his deeds. And Jeremiah asks for deliverance.

Then God says, “Hey, tell everyone to stop working on the Sabbath. And if they do that, then I’ll make them a ton of money and the line of David will continue forever. But if they keep working, then invasion and sword and death… you know the drill.”

 

Chapter 18:

And God said, “Hey, look at that potter. I’m like that. I’m going to do whatever I want. Go along with it and it’ll be well with you. Don’t and you’ll end up smushed. Sigh… you know what I hate, Jerry?”

“Other gods?”

“Other gods. Stupid Israelites leaving me and going after Ba’al. What has Ba’al got, that I don’t?”

“He never sent me on two back to back four month long journeys to make a stupid point.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Anyway, the people are starting to conspire to kill me again. Could you please take care of that?”

“Maybe. Or maybe you should ask your new best buddy, Ba’al.”

“Come on, I was joking.”

“It didn’t sound like a joke.”

“Come on…. You’re my only God. I’ll take you out to your favorite restaurant.”

“Can I order steak?”

“You can order anything you like, Big Guy.”

“Well… okay…”

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