The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 19-23

Chapter 19:

“Hey, Jerry?”

“Yes, Lord.”

“Go buy a pot. Then grab some of the chief priests and city leaders and take them out to the valley of Ben-hinnom and tell them that I’m going to destroy this city because they worshipped other gods and started sacrificing their sons to other gods which I never told them to do.”

Abraham cleared his throat.

“I said other gods, Abe, and it was seriously the ONE TIME. Are you never going to let that go? Anyway, Jerry, smash the pot and tell the people that’s what their city is going to be like.”

“Well, as far as object lessons go, it’s a bit nicer than having to stay celibate or travelling for eight months…”


Chapter 20:

While Jeremiah is saying these things in the Temple, one of the priests has him arrested, beaten, and thrown into stocks. When they release him, Jerry tells the priest that his name will be ‘terror on every side’ and he and his family will watch Jerusalem burn and be carried off to Babylon and die there.

Which, as far as prophetic curses go, is no ‘summon bears to kill children’, but it’s not bad either.

Then Jeremiah the prophet said, “Lord, this job really sucks. Everyone hates me, but I can’t stop preaching. I wish my mom had never given birth to me. This life sucks.”

Then Job said, “Stop whining. It could be worse.”


Chapter 21:

King Zedekiah of Judah had rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar and now the Babylonians are at the gates and he asks Jeremiah if God will help Judah out.

“No,” God said. “The city will fall and burn. The king of Judah will die. If you people want to live, go surrender to the Babylonians, otherwise you will die in the city.”

“If you guys act justly and deliver the oppressed, I might spare you this fate. But you won’t and I’m going to punish all of you according to your works.”


Chapter 22:

Jerry says to the king, “If you rule justly, act with mercy towards the poor and the oppressed, then God will deliver you and this city will flourish. But if you don’t obey these words, then this house will be a desolation. And travelers will pass by and ask why I did this, and others will say because you guys didn’t do religion right.”

“Those who build a home without justice and oppress their workers will be damned. Your father did what was right and pled the cause of the needy and afflicted. This is what true religion is. And he prospered. So no one mourn this king. I will cast him off. He is accursed and none of his children will sit on the throne of David or rule in Judah again.”

Jesus: “Uh… Dad… what about me?”

“Hmm… what if we did the virgin birth trick again, and had his descendent adopt you, then technically you’re not his descendent and there’s no problem, right?”

“That seems like a bit of a technicality.”

“Eh, no one’s going to read this far into the book, I doubt anyone will notice.”


Chapter 23:

“Okay, you guys who led my people astray are assholes. But I’m going to go eventually and gather them all up and bring them home and then I’ll appoint leaders who will lead them correctly… I don’t know why I didn’t think to do that before, but this time I’ll pick the right people to lead. And then Messiah will show up and everything will be awesome.”

And God said, “Everyone sucks. All of the other prophets suck. So they’re all going to suffer and die.”

“Oh, and Jerry, if the people come to you asking what I have to say, tell them I’m not taking their calls. And if you use the phrase ‘the oracle of the Lord’, I’m going to stop taking your calls too.”


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