The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 24-27


Chapter 24:

“Hey, Jerry. Time for another object lesson.”

“NO! No, I… the city was just raided… tons of people were carted off to Babylon… come on…”

“What do you see, Jerry? Huh? What do you see?”

“Sigh… two baskets of figs. One good. One bad.”

“See how rotten the bad ones are? How putrid and slimy and disgusting?”

“Yes, I see.”

“Eat one, Jerry.”

“What? No.”

“Come on… I am the Lord.”

“Oh, God, this is disgusting… it’s slipping through my fingers.”

“Just kidding, you were seriously going to eat one though, weren’t you? Anyway, the point is that the good figs are all the kids who got carted off to Babylon. I’m going to protect them and bring them back home. Everyone left behind is a slimy rotten fig. See that one on your hand? That’s the king. Eat your king, Jerry.”

“You are the worst.”

 

Chapter 25:

“Okay, you Bronze Age screwheads, listen up.”

“Are you going to tell us that God is going to kill us all and destroy the land again.”

“Yeah.”

“Because we worshipped other gods?”

“Yeah.”

“We know already. Thanks though.”

“Ah, but did you know that the Jews will spend 70 years then and then come back and God is going to destroy Babylon too for being mean to us?”

Nebuchadnezzar: “I’m sorry… God uses us to punish you, then punishes us for punishing you?”

“You shouldn’t have enjoyed it so much. Also, it’s not just you. God is pretty much going to nuke the whole planet.”

“You see? This is why we worship other gods. Has Ba’al ever nuked the planet? No.”

“Neither has Marduk,” Nebuchadnezzar said. “He’s been pretty chill.”

“I should have been a baker,” Jeremiah said.

 

Chapter 26:

“Hey, everyone.”

“Hey, Jerry. Here to tell us again that God is going to kill us all.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of what I do.”

“I guess we’ll just have to kill you then.”

“Yeah. Ha ha… wait, what?”

“Yeah, we’re going to kill you now.”

So the crowd rushed Jerry, but some of their leaders showed up and stopped the lynching.

“Don’t kill the poor bastard,” they said. “He’s spoken in the name of Yahweh. And remember back when that other loon Micah piped up and said God was going to kill us too? Did we kill him? No, we listened to him.”

“But we killed that other bloke, Uriah! Even brought him back from Egypt to do it!”

“Yeah, well, no killing today.”

“Come on! We haven’t got anything else to do. It’s not like there’s TV or anything. Living in the Bronze Age sucks.”

 

Chapter 27:

“Jerry. Psst. Jerry.”

“What is it, Lord?”

“Time for another object lesson.”

“I’m not listening.”

“This time, I want you to put on a yoke and handcuff yourself. And you’re going to march through the city and send messengers out to the local kings saying, “So you will have to submit to the yoke of Nebuchadnezzar if you want to live. Otherwise, he’ll destroy your lands.”

So Jerry sends word and goes and sees the king and the priests and says, “Okay, guys. Submit to Babylon and we can all stay here. And don’t listen to those other prophets claiming to speak to our invisible God because they’re lying and wrong… even though there’s no way to prove that. Anyway, listen to me, the perfectly sane guy walking around in handcuffs wearing an oxen’s yoke who hears a voice in his head.”

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