The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 28-31


Chapter 28: 

In the Temple, another prophet named Hananiah comes up to Jerry and says, “God told me that in two years, he’s going to break the yoke of the king of Babylon and return all the stuff Nebuchadnezzar stole from the Temple!”

Jerry said, “Cool. I really hope that it happens, but we’ll wait and see which one of us is really speaking for God.”

Then Hananiah breaks Jerry’s oxen yoke and says, “See? God will break Nebuchadnezzar’s yoke from us too!”

So Jerry goes home because he can’t think of a good comeback for that, so God tells him to go back to Hananiah and tell him that he’s going to die that year for being a false prophet, and Hananiah dies a few months later.

Many Christians today should be glad that God still isn’t striking down false prophets

 

Chapter 29: 

We get some exciting letter writing action.

Jerry writes to the Babylonian exiles and says, “Get comfortable, live your lives, build your families, and be good citizens. You’re going to be stuck there for 70 years, then God will bring you back and you’ll prosper in the land of Israel. God’s plan for you is for your good, no longer for your harm.”

Someone writes back and says, “I’m the priest now and we shouldn’t listen to Jeremiah.”

So Jerry writes back, “Yeah, that guy is a liar and God’s going to kill him and his family.”

 

Chapter 30: 

Hey, Israel sinned, so God beat the crap out of them and threw them out of his house, but then he’s going to bring them home and everything will be good again, like it used to be, better even. They totally won’t have the crap beaten out of them again and get thrown out of their land.

 

Chapter 31: 

Everything will be super great once Israel comes back to the land and there will be much rejoicing:

Israel: Yea!

And then God will form a new covenant with Israel and forgive their sins, write His law on their hearts, and only the people who disobey Him will suffer. And God will let them rebuild Jerusalem and it will never be torn down or overthrown again… except for the times that it was, once ironically, by people who said they were part of that new covenant.

 

 

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