The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 32-35


Chapter 32:

Jerry is in jail. Jerusalem is under siege by Babylon, and King Zedekiah has arrested him for saying that the Babylonians would take the city and kill the king and cart everyone off to Babylon.

God has another object lesson for Jerry. This time Jerry’s uncle shows up with a piece of land that is currently worthless as the Babylonians are trampling it, but Jerry is told by God to buy it anyway as proof of his faith that God will bring the Jews back. So Jerry buys the land and has his friend put the deed into safekeeping so one day it can be redeemed, even though Jerry will be dead by then and God has commanded him to live a life of celibacy… Kind of poor planning there…

God and Jerry have a conversation about everything we’ve been talking about for the last 31 chapters.

 

Chapter 33:

God says Jerusalem will be restored with Judah again. He prophesies that a Messianic king will appear from David’s line and David will never lack a man to sit on the throne of Judah and the priests will always offer sacrifices to God forever, but loophole! If the Jews break God’s covenant, then he has taksie-backsies rights on that prophesy, so there, Mr. Skeptic.

 

Chapter 34:

Jerry said, “Hey, King Zedekiah, the city will be overthrown and you’re going to have to look the King of Babylon in the eye and explain to him why you rebelled and then you’ll be carted off to Babylon.”

Maybe that gets to the king, because he orders the release of all of the Jewish slaves and the people all agree to that, but then decide that they really like having slaves and go back on their word.

So God says, “Hey! When I made the rules for owning people, I specifically said Jews go free after six years! You can keep the Gentiles and their children forever, but Jews go free! And you didn’t do that. In fact, none of you ever did that… which… really, I guess I should have seen that coming being God and all and just told you not to own people, but come on! So now I have to kill you all.”

 

Chapter 35:

“Jerry.”

“Oh, no.”

“Time for another object lesson. I want you to invite these guys over to dinner and offer them some wine.”

“Sigh… okay. Hey, guys, want some wine?”

“We don’t drink wine because one of our ancestors said, ‘don’t drink wine, live in houses, plant crops, or grow fruit.’ We’re nomads and we’re only here because of the Babylonians.”

“See? They obey this dead dude, but Judah doesn’t obey Me!”

“Yeah, we get it…”

“Oh, and because you guys listened to your dead dude, I’ll make sure Nebuchadnezzar doesn’t kill your whole family. You know… at least one of you will be left to stand before Me forever.”

“Uh… hooray?”

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