The TL:DR Bible: Jeremiah 41-45


 Chapter 41:

The governor is assassinated by the man his friends warned him about. He and ten men kill the governor secretly and then slaughter a bunch of other people for good measure and throws their bodies into a cistern. Ten of the men buy their way out by promising him food and wine.

Then realizing that the Babylonians or his fellow Jews will probably want his head, he kidnaps some of the remaining royal women and heads off to the country of Ammon.

But an army goes out to track him down and his captives get away, but the assassin Ishmael escapes.

The remaining Jews now realizing that they have a dead governor that Nebuchadnezzar had personally appointed to run the country decide they should probably get out of Dodge to and make plans to go to Egypt.

 

Chapter 42:

So the people come to Jeremiah:

People: Hey, Jerry. Can you talk to God for us and tell us what to do?

Jerry: Yeah, yeah, I’ll call the Big Guy. But you guys never follow my advice anyway.

People: Dude, we’ll totally follow your advice.

Ten days later…

Jerry: Sorry, He was on holiday. God says to stay put. He’ll fix things with Nebuchadnezzar. But if you go to Egypt, He’s going to kill you all.

 

Chapter 43:

Then the people all replied, “This guy’s nuts. Let’s go to Egypt.”

So they go to Egypt and take Jerry with them.

Then Jerry says, “Nebuchadnezzar will conquer Egypt and you guys are seriously going to be sorry.”

 

Chapter 44:

Jerry: “Guys, what the hell? Seriously? You’re sacrificing critters to Egyptian gods now? Don’t you realize how much God hates that?”

“We don’t care. We’re going to keep doing it in the hopes that they’ll give us food and prosperity again. God’s always pissed at us and mean and judges us and shit.”

“Well, guess what? God is pissed and he’s going to be mean and judge your shit again. You’re all going to die in Egypt and he’s going to kill the Pharaoh.”

 

Chapter 45:

A while before all this took place, Jeremiah’s scribe Baruch was sad because his country was about to be overthrown, so God tells him it’s cool, God will protect his life no matter where he goes.

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