The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 1-3

Chapter 1:

Okay, wow… just…  wow… are you ready for some crazy? Let’s get going.

Ezekiel is a priest and one of the captives in Babylon when he starts having visions or hallucinations… you be the judge.

His first vision is of four creatures. Each of these creatures look humanoid, but have four faces and four wings. They have straight legs and cow hooves for feet. They glow like bronze. On each side of their head is a face: a man’s face looking straight head, a lion face on the right side of their head, a bull’s face on the left side of their heads, and an eagle’s face on the back of their heads. Under each wing was a human hand. Two of the wings covered their bodies and the other two they ‘flew’ with. They moved in any direction, but did not turn.

Beneath each creature was a wheel that had wheels in it and some sweet rims that were full of human eyeballs. And as they moved or flew, it sounded like a great waterfall.

Above their heads was a crystal sky, and a throne and a dark blue throne. A man sits on the throne. From his groin to his feet, it look like he was on fire. Brightness surrounded him and all the colors of the rainbow.

Ezekiel fell to his face.

I think Ezekiel might need to order his pizza without the special mushrooms next time.


Chapter 2:

Ah, but it’s God.

God says, “Hey, dude, stand up. I want to chat.”

The Holy Spirit or an angel helpfully stands Ezekiel up.

God continues, “Okay, dude, I need a prophet and you’re it. Go to the Jews, they’re stubborn and rebellious and won’t  listen to you, in fact, they’ll probably hurt you and try to kill you, but go anyway. Don’t be a dick. Here, eat this scroll.”

Ezekiel watched as a scroll was brought to him. The words written on it were full of woe, misery, and crying.


Chapter 3:

God said, “Come on, Dude. Eat the scroll.”

So Ezekiel eats the scroll, it tastes like honey.

“Ha! Seriously? You ate it! Awesome. Gabriel! He ate the scroll! You owe me twenty bucks! Ah, anyway… go to the exiles of Israel and speak to them. They won’t listen, but speak anyways.”

So the Spirit lifts Ezekiel up. Everyone shouts, “Blessed be the glory of the Lord in His place.” And Ezekiel goes to his people full of anger.  And he goes to a town of the exiles and sits down in the middle of the town silent for seven days.

After a week of sitting there, God drops by and says, “Hey, I’m going to judge you if sinners die without hearing my word. Go out to the plains and we’ll talk more.”

So Ezekiel goes out to the plains and Ezekiel has a flashback to his earlier trip and God says, “Go lock yourself in your house. They’ll tie you up so you can’t go outside, probably thinking your crazy. And I’m going to make it so you can’t speak. But then when I’m ready, I’ll speak to you and you’ll speak to them, but they won’t listen.”

All of which seems needlessly complex. Couldn’t you just show all of the exiles what Ezekiel saw and speak to everyone directly?


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