The TL:DR Bible: Lamentations 1-5


It suddenly occurred to me that I skipped an entire book of the bible. Whoops. So without further ado, the book of Lamentations…

 

Chapter 1:

Jerry sits in the dust outside of the fallen city. He looks up to heaven and says, “Man, all that shit I said would happen, happened. This really sucks.” But he said it more poetically.

 

Chapter 2:

Jerry: “God sure is angry with us for all that idolatry and other stuff and now we’re suffering for it.”

 

Chapter 3:

Jerry: “I feel really horrible watching all this horrible shit happen. Seriously, it’s bumming me out. My life sucks. I sure hope God gets around to making our lives better soon. But seriously, this sucks, O Lord.”

 

Chapter 4:

Jerry: “Living in a siege that lasted two years sure sucked. People starved to death or ate their children to live. Like I know we were kind of assholes, but were we really, “Eat our own children” punishment worthy? Man, this does suck.”

 

Chapter 5:

Jerry: “Hey, God, could you stop being mad at us now, please? I mean, hell, we just ate our own children and we’re marching off to slavery. Our women are being raped. Our leaders are being hung. Maybe a loving God could do something about this because it really, really sucks.”

God: “Come on, Jerry, if I didn’t let your women get raped, your leaders get hung, and your young men worked to death in the desert, how will you people ever learn NOT to go and worship other gods?”

 

 

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