The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 4-7

Chapter 4:

“Hey, Zeke… God here. Time for an object lesson. I want you to build a little model of Jerusalem and build little models of siege weapons and soldiers and plant them outside of little Jerusalem.”

“Okay, that doesn’t sound that bad.”

“Next, I want you to lie down on your left side one day for each year of the sins of Israel, so… 390 days.”


“Then I want you to switch sides to your right side to represent each year of the sins of Judah, so… 40 days.”

“This doesn’t make sense.”

“Then you can face your little model of Jerusalem and proclaim my word against it. Oh, and in case you think of getting up or moving to get more comfortable, I’m going to paralyze you once you lie down, so you can’t.”

“This job sucks.”

“It gets better. I want you to take some barley, wheat, beans, lentils, millet, and splet and make yourself bread while you’re lying on each side and cook it over human shit and eat it in their presence. Thus I will make Israel eat their bread unclean before the nations I scatter them too.”

“Lord, I’ve never eaten anything unclean. Please don’t make me eat human shit bread.”

“Okay, you can use cow shit instead.”

“Well, that’s much better.”


Chapter 5:

“Hey, Zeke… time for another object lesson.”

“Oh, no…”

“This time, get a sharp sword and walk through the streets of town and cut off your hair. Take a scale with you and weigh the hair out. Then take a third of your hair and burn it in the town fire. Take another third of your hair and throw it into the air and whack it with your sword, and then throw the last third of your hair into the wind, but grab a few strands and bundle them up. Then take a few of those strands and throw them into the fire.”

“You realize I’m going to look insane, right? A lunatic attacking hair with a sword through town?”

“And the four faced human cow things didn’t?”

“Good point.”

“Then you tell them this represents Jerusalem, eh? Eh? Get it?”


Chapter 6:

“Zeke, go face Jerusalem and tell the people that I’m really cheesed off by their idolatry and I’m going to defile their high places with dead Jews, and kill pretty much all of the Jews in Jerusalem by disease, by the sword, or by starvation.”

“Then the survivors will feel really bad and realize that they shouldn’t have worshipped another god besides me.”


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