The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 7-9

Chapter 7:

Zeke goes full on guy with a sandwich board that says, “The End is Here!”

God is going to judge Judah for all its crimes, violence, bloodshed, and idolatry. In fact, God is going to judge everyone soon*.

*Soon may mean a delay of 3,000+ years. Wrath of God does not show up on weekends. If you are not home when Wrath of God is delivered, contact your local post office for information on how to pick up your Wrath of God.


Chapter 8:

Zeke is walking along one day, when he meets a man whose molten metal from the waist up, and whose on fire from the waist down. The Man grabs him and takes him off to the Temple in Jerusalem and shows him an idol of jealousy… maybe some sort of fertility god or some graven image of Yahweh, but Yahweh is pretty unhappy about it.

Then God takes him to a wall with a small hole in it, and no… this is NOT that kind of book… God tells him to dig in the wall, so he does, then God shows him a room full of idols and gross bugs and lizards and stuff and 70 elders of Israel worshipping them with incense and God says, “Hey, this represents what all of the elders are doing in their private homes. They’re just dialing up any old god in the hopes that one of them will answer.”

Then God takes him to the gate of the temple where a bunch of people are crying for the Sumerian agricultural deity Tammuz. God is pretty cheesed off about that.

Lastly, God takes him to the inner court of the Temple, and he sees 25 men worshipping the sun. God is really hacked off about that and proclaims their doom.


Chapter 9:

God calls a few angels over and says to one of them with a  writing case, “Go and mark all of the people who are grieved because of the city’s idolatry and evil. The rest of you, start from my temple and go out and kill every man, woman, and child without a mark.”

So they start to slaughter everyone and Zeke cries out, “Are you going to kill all of the Jews?”

“Everyone without a mark.”

Then the angel with the quill pen comes back and says, “Okay, God, I marked all the good ones. Probably… probably could have waited until I was finished before you ordered the rest to go kill everyone… what if I got caught in traffic?”


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