The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 13-15


Chapter 13:

It’s always a good sign when you read something in the bible and go, “What in the world…?”

It’s an even better sign when you read the commentaries on it and they say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Anyway, the first half of the chapter is straightforward enough. God’s cheesed off at the prophets who are telling the people things are going to be better, when God is saying things are going to get much worse, so God promises all kinds of woe on the false prophets.

Then God promises woe on some witches who use magic bands to gather mobs together and hunt down the innocent souls, I think? Maybe they’re offering human sacrifices? Maybe it’s just standard hokum and they’re pretending to be soul dealers or something.

Regardless, God doesn’t like it, so along comes the woe.

 

Chapter 14:

Some of the elders of the exiles come to Zeke, and God tells him, “All these guys worship idols. They’re being assholes and then they’re coming here to pretend to be faithful to me. So from now on, anyone who is an asshole during the week and then comes and pretends to be faithful to me is going to be punished severely.”

Then the Lord says, “Zeke, if I aim to destroy a country, nothing can save it. Even if Noah, Daniel, and Job were living there, only they would be saved. I’d totally kill everyone else, including their children.”

Job: “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

God: “Quiet you! Anyway, how much more will I destroy Jerusalem then?”

 

Chapter 15:

Jerusalem is a dried up, worthless grapevine that God is going to throw into a fire.

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