The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 16-18

Today, the part of God will be played by a grizzled redneck Western star


Chapter 16:

“Hey, Zeke, got a little story I want you tell the people of Jerusalem.”

“I thought I was already in exile?”

“Eh, this book is pretty crazy, no one’s going to notice an unexplained location change. Anyway, I want you tell them that they were born a bastard from a couple of heathen Canaanites who left them on the side of the road covered in filth and blood, didn’t even cut the cord.

“Anyways, I walked by you and told you to live and you lived. And you grew up to a fine young lady with nice boobs and long hair, but you were naked. I passed by you again and saw that there was grass on the field, so I decided to play some ball.”


“So I covered you up, took you home and said, “We’re married. Then I gave you a bath.”


“Then I dressed you up and everyone was jealous of you because you were so beautiful. But then you thought you were pretty hot, so you started screwing everyone else too and became a reverse whore paying other gods with my money to screw you. I punished you, but you kept reverse whorin’ around on me, so now I’m going to gather up all the other gods, strip you naked and condemn you for being a reverse whore. But then we’ll get back together and things’ll be great again, Baby.”

“I get it, because she was a baby when you found her and then… you waited and had sex with her as a teen… you know this makes you the creepy Uncle in the story, right?”

“Hell, Zeke, ain’t like she was my cousin or anything. Anyway, I hear lots of folks sayin’ ‘like mother, like daughter.’ My wife is filthy Canaanite bastard whore. Samaria was bad, and was punished, but she ignored her sister. Sodom was bad, they had food, money, clothing, but they were prideful and didn’t care for the poor, so I killed all of them. But Jerusalem is worse than all of them.”

“But I’m going to make everything better and restore everyone and then you’ll all wake up and be sorry and beg me for forgiveness and I’ll give it to you because I’m a nice God.”


Chapter 17:

“Hey, ZEKE!”

“Yeah, Lord?”

“I’m mad at Zed for breakin’ his word to Nebuchadnezzar. Now there were two eagles and a vine or two vines and the eagle planted a vine and it grew and uh… another eagle planted a vine by the river and… aw, hell, I’m mad at Zed and he’s going to die in Babylon.


Chapter 18:

“Zeke, I’ve been hearing from some of the Jews that I’m not being fair. That I’m being mean to them for stuff their fathers did.”

“Well, you did sort of judge the nation for the sins of Manasseh and delayed judgement by like another 100 years, so-“

“Anyway, that’s nonsense. I judge everyone according to their deeds. Now, you right go out and live a good life: take care of the poor, don’t oppress people, don’t take interest, and fight for justice and we’ll get along just fine, no matter who your kin is.

“But if you act like a dick, and rob people, defraud them, take their clothing, oppress the helpless, and generally act like a giant asshole, then I’m gonna kick yer ass, no matter who your pa was. Got all that?”


“Alright. Tell everyone else not to use that saying anymore then. It pisses me off.”


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