The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 19-24


Chapter 19:

God tells Zeke to sing a lament to Judah.

It’s a story about a lioness who has two cubs, representing Israel and Judah, both of which end up captured, one in a deep pit, the other in a cage, carted off to Babylon.

Zeke then compares Judah to a withered grapevine again, that is taken up and planted in the deserts of Babylon.

 

Chapter 20:

God repeats himself in his perfect book for the 100th time, recounting how He saved Israel and then they were assholes to him and worshipped other gods, but after He’s done beating the snot out of them, He’ll make everything great again.

 

Chapter 21:

God repeats himself again and tells Zeke to tell everyone that a sword is coming to Judah. Then God predicts doom upon the Ammonites.

 

Chapter 22:

God lists off the sins of Judah:

  • They were violent.
  • They worshipped idols
  • They neglected their elderly
  • They oppressed the poor and defenseless
  • They lied
  • They were lewd
  • They were corrupt in their offices
  • They made profits and interest off the misery of others

So God promises to wipe out their dishonest gain and judge them harshly. Prophet, priest, and prince alike were corrupt and violent in their greed, so that God could not find one good man to intercede on the city’s behalf.

 

Chapter 23:

“So, there were two sisters that I married, Samaria and Judah. They were both harlots who cheated on me constantly with other gods, so I gave the sister Samaria into the hands of the Assyrians who stripped her, took her children, and killed her. But her sister kept it up, so she slept with the Babylonians, but didn’t like them. She lusted after Egypt where her lovers had dicks the size of a donkey’s with ejaculations the amount out of a horse. So I’m going gather all of her lovers together and they will destroy and pillage you.”

I could have summarized that with fewer words, but how often does the bible give you a chance to discuss donkey penises and horse emissions?

 

Chapter 24:

God: Jerusalem is like a pot. I’m going to boil everyone in it.

“Okay…”

“Hey, Zeke…”

“Yeah?”

“Object lesson time.”

“What this time, Lord?”

“I’m going to kill your wife. The love of your life.”

“What? You’re going to kill my wife?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“To teach the people a lesson. See, I’m going to kill her, but you can’t cry about it or wail or mourn her at all.”

“Why?”

“Because when I take Jerusalem and the people’s loved ones from them, they won’t be able to mourn or cry or wail about it either. You’ll be a sign to them.”

“You’re going to kill my life, the woman I love… as a sign to people who won’t even see it or care?”

“That’s right.”

“Dick move, Bro. Dick move.”

Advertisements

One thought on “The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 19-24

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s