The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 25-27

Chapter 25:

“Hey, Zeke.”

“You’re not going to kill any more family members, are you?”

“Ehhhhh… not today. Today I want you to tell all the heathen nations how upset I am at them. Start with Ammon. Screw those guys because they were happy when my Temple was sacked by Babylon. I’m going to destroy them completely.”

“Seems like overkill, but okay. Screw the Ammonites.”

“Oh, and Moab. They were happy about seeing Judah destroyed. They said Judah was like every other nation.”

“Hasn’t that literally been your complaint about Judah for the last three books now?”

“Yeah, but they don’t get to say that. So I’m going to cause an enemy to conquer some of their territory.”

“Okay, anyone else?”

“Yeah, screw those Edomites. They attacked Judah when she was weak, so I’m going to wipe them all out. It might take a six or seven centuries to do it, but once it’s done, then they’ll know I am the Lord. Let’s see, who else…? The Philistines. Going to kill all of them…”


Chapter 26:

“The city of Tyre hopes to profit off of Jerusalem’s destruction, so I’m going to cause Nebuchadnezzar and a lot of nations to gather together, besiege the city, destroy it, and plunder its wealth. It will be abandoned and become a place where the fishermen spread out their nets to dry and no one will ever rebuilt it. The city will be desolate.”


Yeah… it looks pretty desolate, alright.


Chapter 27:

“In fact, I’m SO going to destroy Tyre that I want you to sing a dirge about her. Tell her how she was so great and wealthy and powerful, and how I overthrew her in a day and now everyone is sad and mourning her loss.”


Sure, they look happy, but inwardly, they’re crying.


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