The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 28-30


Chapter 28:

Zeke keeps going on about Tyre, this time telling off its king.

Apparently, the king of Tyre started getting too proud and started to think he was divine, so God promises to have someone kill him and take him down a notch to show him that he’s just a man.

Then God tells Zeke to sing a dirge about the king of Tyre, which includes some divine language that many Christian commentators assume is about the devil. Though why God wouldn’t just say, “Hey, Zeke, sing a song about the devil” is a valid question.

Anyway, the king of Tyre or the devil was doing great when he started off, but then by trading and acquiring wealth or getting into contact with all of the foreign devils and their gods, he sinned and then God hated him and cast him down from his throne and he becomes a pariah.

Then God decides to destroy Sidon too with war and pestilence to prove that He’s God. I guess showing up in a giant glowy cloud and saying “I’m God” would have been too difficult, so more wanton slaughter it is.

Finally, God promises to get the band back together with Israel and bless them.

 

Chapter 29:

God starts out by saying that He’s going to destroy Egypt and its Pharaoh. God promises to utterly decimate the land so that it will lie abandoned for forty years, untouched by man. Moreover, God promises to scatter the Egyptians for that forty years, then bring them back to the land where they will be a weak and pathetic kingdom that no one will rely on again.

Needless to say, Egypt has not been abandoned at any time for forty years, so Zeke got this one wrong too.

Then God says, “Hey, I know we said Nebuchadnezzar would take and destroy Tyre, but uh… he didn’t… but… uh… reasons! So as a consolation prize, I’m going to give Egypt into his hand and he will destroy it and plunder Egypt. And the Israel will know that I am the Lord.”

Historically speaking, the evidence for this isn’t there either.

In 568 BCE (a few years after this prophesy, Nebuchadnezzar does go to Egypt with the recently deposed Pharaoh Hophra. The two have a small success against Ionian mercenaries hired by the new Pharaoh Amasis, but the Egyptians rout the armies of Babylon in 566 BCE, capture the deposed Pharaoh, and no further recorded attempts are made by Nebuchadnezzar against Egypt.

According to Daniel 4, Nebuchadnezzar goes bonkers later that year and the Babylonian’s power begins to weaken and the Empire goes into more of a defensive stance against the growing power of the Medes and the Persians.

Chapter 30:

God doubles down on the Egyptian prophesy and tells Zeke to sing a dirge for the Pharaoh and Egypt. God promises again that the land will be utterly destroyed, their idols will be destroyed and cast down, and the people and any of their allies will fall by the sword.

As far as we know, none of this actually happened until 525 BCE under the Persian emperor Cambyses the Second. Even then Cambyses was only able to take the Northeast of Egypt, as his armies met a poor fate when they tried to march south into the region of Kush.

Shortly after that failed expedition, Cambyses was forced to withdraw back to Persia as a man posing as his brother Bardiya had seized his throne. Cambyses died shortly thereafter, possibly by Darius’ hand. Darius himself would later incorporate Egypt into his empire.

Guys, I’d suggest we stone Zeke, but something tells me he was already stoned while writing some of his visions.

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