The TL:DR Bible: Ezekiel 38-44

Chapter 38:

“Hey, Zeke, I want you to preach against Gog of the land of Magog. A place no one is certain where it is, or even if it exists, despite what your Premillenial Dispensationalist Pastor will say. Tell them that I know they’re going to put together an alliance of nations and lead their armies with their horses and shields and bucklers (This verse is ignored by the aforementioned premillennial dispensational pastors.)

“In the latter years, you’re going to come and attack Israel. And you’re going to do it to get all of their precious cows, and gold and silver. Because cows will be a huuuuuuge commodity in  the future.

“When you come to take their cows, I’m going to cause a huge earthquake in Israel so that the mountains fall down, all of the walls fall, and everyone will feel it. (Not sure how much the Israelites will appreciate a giant earthquake that topples all of their houses, but… there you go.) And then I’m going to kill you with plague and rain and hail and fire and brimstone. Then everyone will know that I am God.”


Chapter 39:

“And then you’re going to be eaten by wolves and birds and lions and shit. Then Israel will know that I am God. Everyone will know that I am God and my name will not be profaned any longer. (How that’s supposed to work within the framework of premillennial dispensationalism is anyone’s guess.)

“And everyone living in caves in Israel will go out and use their bows and arrows and clubs and spears as firewood for seven years. You can’t use AK-47’s, tanks, and jet fighters as firewood, Tim LaHaye.

“Then I’m going to cause Gog and his army to be buried. It’ll take seven months. And if anyone passing through sees a corpse, he’ll post a post-it note on it saying, “Bury this shit, please.” And when everyone is buried, the land will be cleansed (ceremonially).

“And wild animals are going to eat you, Gog. Just thought I’d mention that again.”

“Then all the nations will know that I only acted mean to Israel because they were dirty, idolatrous whores who deserved it.”

“Then I’m going to restore Israel and make it great again. Believe me. Simply incredible. The best. Then I’m going to pour out my Spirit on them and make myself known to them always.”


Chapter 40:

Then Zeke watches as a guy with a tape measure measures the new Temple in Jerusalem.


Chapter 41:

Then Zeke watches him measure out the inside of the new Temple.


Chapter 42:

More measuring. This is like the worst episode of Property Brothers.

“Here are the dining rooms for where the priests will eat the food they didn’t have to actually work for.”


Chapter 43:

Then God shows up and says, I’m going to live in this Temple forever. (Caesar Titus: “Eh….”) And tells Zeke to tell the Jews that if they really love him, they’ll follow Zeke’s plans for the new Temple when they get a chance to build it.

Then we measure the sacrificial altar… which again… if this is referring to the continuation and restoration of the Yahweh cult, makes perfect sense. But if this is supposed to lead into a Christian eschatology, Christ already put an end to the sacrificial system. It’s done. According to Christians, God doesn’t need us to kill animals anymore.

Then God gives Zeke instructions about killing animals for Him.


Chapter 44:

“Here’s a gate that will remain closed, but a prince will sit here and eat bread in front of the Lord.”

God says “No Gentiles allowed in my new holy Temple, unlike the last time when you guys defiled my temple by letting in Gentiles.” (Well… that’s going to make heaven awkward, isn’t it?)

“I only want the Levites in charge now, but I’m still mad at them for worshipping idols too. But only the sons of Zadok can come before me, and blah blah blah blah blah… wear turbans, but nothing that makes you sweat. You humans stink when you sweat and good Lord, we’re revisitng Leviticus and Numbers again…quick, skip to the next chapter…”





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