The TL:DR Bible: Daniel 7-12


Chapter 7:

Daniel finds Ezekiel’s stash and has a dream.

He sees a lion with wings that walks and thinks like a man. A bear eating some ribs. Then he sees a leopard with four wings and four heads that was a king. Then he sees a giant beast with metal teeth and ten horns that tramples the other beasts into the dust. Then an eleventh horn grows in, but three of the other horns are pulled out. And the newest horn had eyes and a mouth that said proud things.

Then God shows up in a burning wheelchair with His entourage, the books are opened and court is in session.

Then the beast with iron teeth is killed, cut up, and thrown into the fire. The rest of the beasts were spared and given a bit more time on the Earth.

Then the Messiah comes before God and is given a kingdom to reign over everyone.

Danny walks over to one of the people in his dream and asks what it all means.

The four beasts are four kings that will come. But God will rule over everyone in the end.

“What the hell was up with that fourth beast?” Danny said.

It’s the fourth kingdom that will conquer the entire Earth. Out of it ten kings will arise, then an eleventh. The eleventh king will blaspheme Yahweh. He tries to change the calendar and the law, but then God judges him and he loses his kingdom and is destroyed forever. Then God hands off the Earth to His Messiah and all the good people will reign forever.

Then Danny woke up and had a bad hangover and kept his weird dream to himself.

 

Chapter 8:

Danny has another ‘dream’. Or one of Danny’s disciples writes down history in apocalyptic language. You decide.

Danny’s dream involves a ram and a goat, but it’s about the Medes and the Persians conquering the known world, and then Alexander and the Greeks defeat and conquer the Persians and the known world. But Alexander dies and his kingdom is split between his four generals and out of one of those kingdoms comes Antiochus IV Epiphanes, a king of the Seleucid branch of the Greek Empire who would profane the temple of Yahweh by putting an idol into it and sacrificing pigs on the altar.

But then he drowns in the sea or has a terrible bowel disease and falls off his chariot and dies.

 

Chapter 9:

Daniel reads Jeremiah and notices that the seventy years of captivity is almost up, so he prays.

“Oh Lord, you are great. We are scum. Please be faithful to your word. We’re really shitty down here. Please be merciful to us worms. Amen.”

Gabriel shows up and says seventy weeks have been appointed for the Jews and Jerusalem before everything is wrapped up and Messiah comes and rules the world. Now you may realize that the world didn’t end the following year in 457 BC. So bible scholars interpret the weeks to mean weeks of years. So 490 years total.

Okay, okay, you got me. The world didn’t end in 32 AD either. So we divide the weeks into 69 weeks and then 1 more week that will be determined sometime in the future giving us infinite amount of time to keep declaring this prophesy as true so it can never be invalidated. Quite clever of us, isn’t it?

So after 62 weeks, the Messiah will be cut off and have nothing, and the people of the prince to come will destroy the city and the sanctuary. It will be destroyed with a flood. Then wars will happen. Then he (that is the prince who destroyed the city) will make a covenant with the people for a week, but then put a stop to the Jewish religion and then comes desolation.

 

Chapter 10:

Danny here. I had a vision. I fasted for three weeks. Than an angel showed up. I was not hallucinating because of low blood sugar.

“Hey, Danny. Sorry I’m late. I was sent from God, but the Prince of Persia was holding me up until Michael came and fought him. So I’m here to tell you about the future. You and Jennifer are fine, Danny. It’s your kids!”

“What?”

“Nothing. Anyway, here is some history as if it were mysteriously written for you by a later author…”

 

Chapter 11:

After Darius will come three kings, then a fourth that will be very great and invade Greece. (It was actually Darius’ grandson that invaded Greece and there would be eight more kings total in the Persian Empire before Alexander conquered them.)

Then Alexander’s kingdom will be broken up into four pieces. Then a bunch of kings show up and fight each other and are generally assholes and hate Yahweh and most of them die. One of them is a real dick though and fights constantly with everyone.

 

Chapter 12:

Then Michael will show up and all of the Jews written in the book will be rescued. Then comes a resurrection, some to a blessed life, others to disgrace and contempt. But you should seal up this book, Danny until the end of times.

Then someone says, “Hey, how long until this happens?”

“Three a half years from the time of the abomination of desolation. And if you survive that three and a half years of conflict, you will be blessed. But Danny, you’re going to go and die, but then come back at the end of the age.”

Now, you may have realized that the end of the world did not come three and a half years after Antiochus IV Ephiphanies sets up his idol and slaughters a pig in the Temple of Yahweh, but oh, what the prophesy really means is that at some point in the future another prince will show up and do the same thing in the Temple and then the world will end THAT time after three and a half years. This also lets us say this prophesy is true because it can never be invalidated because it could always happen in the future… at least until the human race goes extinct or the sun turns into a red giant and destroys the Earth.

Anyway, next up is Hosea. Another prophet that God forces to do a shitty object lesson for the people.

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