The TL:DR Bible: Hosea


Chapter 1:

This takes place back before Judah and Israel fell.

God: Hey, Hosea, I want you to go marry a prostitute and have kids with her. It’s an object lesson.

Hosea: One that’s probably going to cause me a lot of heartache and misery?

God: The best kind!

So Hosea marries a whore named Gomer and they have a son.

God: Name him Jezreel, because I’m going to judge Jehu for all of the blood he shed at Jezreel… even though I was the one who told him to do it.

Then Hosea and Gomer have a daughter.

God: Name her “No compassion” because I’m not going to have compassion on Israel anymore, but I will have compassion on Judah and deliver them… even though in another 100 years I’m going to be done with them too because they’ll be even worse than Israel and I should know this because I’m omniscient.

Then Hosea and Gomer have another son.

God: Call him “Not mine” because… well, he ain’t yours… also I’m rejecting Israel as my people. But one day, you all will be my people again.

 

Chapter 2:

God: Israel is like a whore. She’s a whore wife and I’m going to expose her whoredom for all of her whore friends and whore lovers to see. She’s been cheating on me with Ba’al, so I’m going to punish her. This all sounds familiar by now. I wonder if He’s going to restore Israel after He’s done beating the shit out of them for their whoredom?

Yep.

 

Chapter 3:

God: Hey, Hosea? Remember how I told you to marry a hooker, and then she left you and went out and slept with a bunch of other dudes for money?

Hosea: Yeah. Thanks for that, by the way.

God: Go and marry her again.

So Hosea has to buy her from a slave market, marries her and says, “Okay, this time, you’re going to stay home and not go out and bone lots of other men for money, and I’m not going to be your husband for a long time, just as Israel won’t have any royalty for a long time, but they’ll come and return to God and beg God to get back together with them. And God will be like, “Oh, who is this? Yeah, I’m totally seeing this other girl. She’s a model from Canada. You wouldn’t know her.”

 

Chapter 4:

Stop me if you’ve heard this before:

God is pissed off at Israel for worshipping other gods and having sex with Temple prostitutes.

 

Chapter 5:

God’s still angry about idolatry. He’s also really angry at the priests for engaging in it.

 

Chapter 6:

Israel decides to repent after God’s judgement, but God is like, “You always say you’re sorry for seeing other gods, but then you go out and see them again, so I’m going to judge you some more.”

 

Chapter 7:

Israel has some issues, God says. They’re adulterers, idolaters, thieves, and they keep assassinating their rulers. I’m totally going to kill them.

 

Chapter 8:

More “You’re all filthy sinners, so I’m going to destroy and kill and pillage and burn shit down” from God.

 

Chapter 9:

“Hey, enjoy not worshipping me when you’re all stuck in Assyria and Egypt eating bacon,” God says as He continues to promise judgement on Israel.

 

Chapter 10:

“You guys used to be a fruitful vine, now you’re poisonous weeds. You trust in your own defenses, so I’m going to destroy those and give you over to your enemies.”

 

Chapter 11:

“I remember when I called you out of Egypt. Then you guys started seeing other gods. You’re going off to Assyria now, but I just can’t quit you. So after this is over, we’ll give it another go, and it’ll be different and I won’t have to kill you again.”

 

Chapter 12:

“You guys are in the wrong. Come back and do deeds of kindness and justice. Conduct business honorably. But you won’t, so I’m going to judge you.”

 

Chapter 13:

Another chapter of God telling us how faithless the Jews are and how He’s just going to have to kill a lot of them because of it.

Can a book written and revered by Jewish folks be anti-Semitic?

 

Chapter 14:

And after this, Israel will come back to God and they’ll get back together again and everything will be smooth sailing for the Jews from that point on, he said ironically.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s