The TL:DR Bible: Nahum and Habakkuk


Chapter 1:

Two books ago, God was concerned about the people of Nineveh, now He pronounces their doom and promises to destroy them as a nation. Go figure. Mysterious ways and all that, I guess.


Chapter 2:

“I’m against you. I’m going to burn your chariots, destroy your soldiers and let folks loot all of your stuff.”


Chapter 3:

God: “I’m going to strip you naked and rub crap on you.”

Good night, everybody!

Anyway, more doom, doom, doom. People scattered like locusts… misery… doom. The usual stuff. Moving right along…



Chapter 1:

Habakkuk: “Hey, Lord… it would be nice if you picked up the phone when I called you asking for help. I know the Babylonians are only here to judge us, but seriously, Lord, they’re worse than we are. Why are you letting them get away with oppressing us and sacrificing critters to their gods?”


Chapter 2:

Habakkuk: I’m going to stand here and wait for God to answer this time.

God: Hey, bro… had a thing… anyway, go ahead and write this down. I’m going to judge the proud, the drunkards, the king of Babylon. Babylon is like a man who is rich because he’s over-leveraged in debt. One day soon, his creditors will come and collect and then he’s going to be miserable and destitute.

Babylon was built on evil gain and bloodshed and will be judged.

Woe to those who ply the clothes off of someone with booze. You’re going to drink too much and run around naked too one day.

Idolaters are doomed too.


Chapter 3:

Here’s a little ditty I wrote about God crushing nations and afflicting the Earth, but saving Israel. God is pretty big and huge and frightening. Amen.


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