The TL:DR Bible: Zephaniah and Haggai


Chapter 1:

God: I’m going to kill everything again. Literally everything. No more animals. No more people. No more birds pooping on your car after you just got it washed. Everything’s going to die. Especially the Jews in Judah.

And I’m really going to kill all of the idolaters.

The day of the Lord comes. I’m going to punish the Jewish nobles. There will be crying and wailing. I’m going to kill the bankers.

The Day of the Lord is near (plus or minus 3,000+ years or so.) And that day will really suck. I’m going to kill everything.


Chapter 2:

Seriously. Everything. Maybe if you’re righteous and humble you can hide. Moabites? Dead. Ethiopians? Dead. Assyrians? Dead. Just literally gonna kill everyone, says the Lord.


Chapter 3:

God is mad at Judah. He’s going to kill some of them, mostly the proud. Then the humble will come back to him and he will purify them and bless them again and everyone sings and has a good time and forgets about the time they were fighting and having a drunken screaming match in front of their trailer with God on Cops and He had to pop them a good one to teach them a lesson.



Chapter 1:

In the second year of Darius, Haggai goes up to Zerubbabel and Joshua and says, “Yeah, dudes, God’s pretty pissed off that you’re living in nice houses and his Temple is still a broken down mess. That’s why you’re having a famine. Go chop down some trees and fix the Temple so God will calm the hell down.”

So everyone goes, “Fine.” And they start to rebuild the Temple.


Chapter 2:

Haggai: “Hey, guys. Any old people around remember how great the old Temple looked compared to the one we’re building now? Yeah? This Temple seems pretty crappy, doesn’t it? Well, it’s cool. God is with us. In a little bit, God is going to shake the heavens and the Earth and all nations will come and bring gold and silver to this Temple and it will be glorious and greater than the old Temple.”

Sometime later…

Haggai: Priests, got a question? If a man touches something holy, does he become holy? No? Right. But if an unclean man touches something does it become unclean? It does. That’s what we’re like to God. We’re all unclean, which is why God punished us with famine and a bad economy, but now we’re going to be blessed.

And you, Zerubbabel? You’re going to see the thrones and kingdoms of the world overthrown and God will place you in a special position because he’s chosen you.”


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