The TL:DR Bible: Zechariah 1-6

Chapter 1:

Zechariah: God got angry with our ancestors because they didn’t listen to the other prophets I sent them and repent. So you better repent and listen to me.

People: Okay, we repent and we’ll listen to you.

Then Zach sees a vision of a guy on a red horse who stands in the middle of myrtle trees with a bunch of horses behind him.

“I have got to remember which plant I smoked,” Zach said.

Angel on red horse: “These are the ones God sends out to patrol the Earth.”

“Everything’s cool,” the patrolmen… patrol-horses… patrol-angel-horses replied.

Then the angel said, “Hey, God, how long are you gonna be pissed off at Judah, eh? Why don’t you cut the kids a break?”

“Yeah… okay,” God said. “I’m going to reestablish Jerusalem and make you guys rich.”

Then Zach sees four horns.

“Oh, those are the horns… that scattered Judah, Israel, and Jerusalem. And those guys are coming to chase them away and overthrow the nations that scattered you guys.”


Chapter 2:

Then Zach sees a guy with a measuring tape.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to measure Jerusalem,” he said.

And another angel appears. “Hey, other angel, go speak to that guy and tell him Jerusalem will be a city without walls because God will be a wall of fire around it.”

“Everyone come back to Judah and leave Babylon,” says the Lord, “I’m totally going to plunder the nations that plundered you. And everyone shut up before the Lord. He has a headache.”


Chapter 3:

Then Zach sees Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord, and an accuser is standing at his right hand accusing him.

“I accuse!” said the Accuser.

“Of what?” God said.


“Shut up. Bailiff? Take those filthy clothes off the defendant and get him some party clothes. See?” said the Lord, “I’ve taken away your iniquity. Now, put a clean turban on his head.”

“Are you sure, Lord? That headwear is mighty ‘foreign’.”

“Yes, I’m sure. Now everyone, if you guys do what I say, we’ll get along fine and we can hang out. And Josh? He’s cool. I’m going to bring in my servant, the Sprout. And look at the cool stone I’ve put in front of Josh. It has seven eyes. And I’m going to have it engraved with “I’m going to take away your sin in one day and give you peace.”

“I really have to remember which plant I smoked,” Zach said as he drifts off to sleep.


Chapter 4:

“Hey,” an angel said. “Get up. Look around.”

Zach sees a lampstand with seven oil lamps on it and seven spouts belonging to seven lamps above it and two olive trees on either side.

“What the heck is this?”

“This is God’s message to Zerubbabel, “I’m going to make you great, so that you can conquer and destroy mountains and make them plains. He has built the foundation of this house and his hands will finish it.”

“What about the trees and lamps and stuff?”

“Those are the anointed ones that stand by the Lord.”

“Sure… why not?”


Chapter 5:

Then Zach sees a flying scroll.

“That’s the curse that God is sending so that all the thieves and hypocrites will be killed by having their houses burn down.”

And there were no more thieves or hypocrites ever again.

Then Zach sees an ephah… which Wikipedia tells me is about 23 liters of grain… and the angel lifts the lid off of the pot and sees a woman sitting in the middle of the grain and he says, “This is evil!”

So he throws her back in the pot, sets a lead weight on top of it and two more women with stork wings come and take the pot away.

“Dude… whoa… so where are they taking her, man?”

“Out to Shinar, where they’ll build a Temple for her and she can sit on a pedestal.”

You know… Ezekiel seems sane and reasonable next to Zechariah.


Chapter 6:

Then Zach sees four chariots with different colored horses.

“What are these things?”

“Those are the four spirits of heaven. Two are going north, one is going south, and one is really jonesing to get out there and patrol the Earth.”

“Go patrol the Earth!”

So they patrolled the Earth.

“Those guys heading North have appeased my wrath,” said God. “Now, go take an offering from the exiles.”

Seriously… what the hell?

“Take silver and gold and make a crown and put it on the high priest’s head and say, “God is going to send a man named Sprout and he will build the Temple of the Lord and He will be a priest and a king. This crown will be a reminder to you guys so when it happens, you’ll know that I am the Lord, but you’ve got to obey me completely.”


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