The TL:DR Bible: Zechariah 7-14

 Chapter 7:

Okay, the trip is over apparently. Two years later, some guys come from Bethel and ask if God wants them to keep fasting during the fifth month of the year.

And God says, “Hey, you do that for yourselves, not for me. Act with justice, fight for justice, be kind and compassionate, help the poor and the widows and the orphans and the foreigners, but your fathers wouldn’t listen, so they got judged.”


Chapter 8:

God: I’m going to  come back to Zion and Jerusalem and dwell there. Old men and the young children will dwell securely in Jerusalem. I can do anything. I’m going to save my people and bring them back to Jerusalem.

So everyone be strong. I Know times have been tough, but soon, there will be food for all. I’m not angry with you anymore, now I will bless you.

You guys do what is right and your fastings will become feasts of joy.

And in those days, all of the foreigners will grab on to your cloaks and beg you to take them to the Lord so they can find favor with me.


Chapter 9:

Much like Nixon, God has an enemies list and promises to really screw them over.

But God loves Judah and Israel and there will be grain and wine and young men and virgins.


Chapter 10:

God hates idolaters and false prophets. God also apparently owns a pretty sweet warhorse. God promises Judah and Israel that he’ll make them like before the exile, though they never really achieve that status of being independent and having their own king.


Chapter 11:

We’re back to something that makes no sense.

God is angry with Lebanon.

God tells Zach to shepherd a flock doomed to slaughter. It seems like a metaphor, but Zach apparently gets a job as a shepherd and he takes the sickly ones and he grabs two sticks that he calls Favor and Union.

If I’m reading this right, he gets pissed off at some other shepherds and kills three of them in a month…

Then he stops shepherding the flock and says, “Whatever” and breaks his stick he called Favor. And the sickly sheep realize they’re in an object lesson from God.

“Thaaaaanks,” said the sheep.

Then Zach the crazy murderous crappy shepherd yells at people, “GIVE ME MY WAGES OR NOT.”

So they give him 30 pieces of silver probably to make him go away. And God tells him to throw it to the local potter, which he does.

And God tells him to dress and act like a crazy shepherd whose bad at his job again to make a point that someone is coming that will oppress and devour the people.


Chapter 12:

God: A siege is coming to Jerusalem.

Jews: I thought you said we were going to dwell in peace forever.

God: All the nations of the Earth will come up against Judah. But I’ll defend you. And then I’ll pour out my spirit on the monarchy and the people of Jerusalem and you’ll look on me or to me and cry. There will be great mourning in Jerusalem.


Chapter 13:

Then a fountain will open and I’ll utterly destroy all the idols and the false prophets and if anyone prophesies, then his own mom and dad will kill him for being a big fat liar… not like me… I am totally a true prophet.

God says, “Kill the shepherd and scatter my people and I’m going to kill some children… and kill like two-thirds of the land, but one third will live and they’ll be so grateful to Me for not killing them that they’ll be my people forever…”


Chapter 14:

Everyone’s going to come against Judah, but God will kill them all, and you can take all their stuff and be super rich again. And I’ll be the king of the Earth (so… why would they need riches?)

And here’s how I’m going to kill them, God says. It’ll be like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis melt.

But all of the survivors will go and worship the Lord in Jerusalem or I won’t let it rain on their lands.

Also, fuck the Canaanites.

The end.

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