The TL:DR Bible: Malachi


Chapter 1:

“I love you guys,” said the Lord.

“Uh… we’re not seeing that down here,” said the Jews.

“I have loved you. I hate your brother Esau. I’m totally screwing over his kids, but you guys are back in your own land. So get to the magnifying Me part.”

“Okay,” God said, “I do have a few things to talk about. First, stop offering me flawed animals. Only Grade-A or above beef and lamb, please. You guys keep bringing me lame, flawed, or stolen critters to kill before Me, and I don’t like it. Only bring the best to Me. I am your priests-, I mean… you great King.”

 

Chapter 2:

“Speaking of priests, you guys better shape up and honor Me too or I’m going to curse you and smear shit on your faces. You guys are showing favor to the wealthy.”

“We all have one father and God has created us all. But seriously, don’t marry foreign women. That makes God mad. Although God says He hates divorce, so maybe don’t kick your wives and children out into the streets because Ezra says so.”

“Also, God’s getting really tired of you guys saying that evil people prosper and wondering where the justice in the world is. Yes, evil people prosper and there seems to be no justice in the world, but God’s getting tired of you complaining about it.”

 

Chapter 3:

So God said, “I’m going to send a messenger. A Purifier who will purify the priests, so they can present pleasing offerings to the Lord again. And I will come and judge the sorcerers, even Gandalf, Harry Potter, and Merlin! And I’ll judge the adulterers, the liars, the oppressors, and the racist xenophobes.”

“I don’t change, so I haven’t destroyed you. But come back to me.”

“We’re right here,” said the Jews.

“You’re not giving me all of the stuff I told you to give to me! If you just give me your stuff, I’ll give you more. But seriously, guys, stop talking shit about Me.”

“We’re not,” said the Jews.

“Really? I hear a lot of whining about how evil people prosper, while you suffer for being good.”

“Yeah, it’s not just us. There’s a lot of that in the New Testament too…”

Then the pious got together and spoke well of the Lord and the Lord noticed and had a book written with all of their names and the nice things they said about Him, so He would spare them in the day of wrath and not kill them horrible the way He planned to kill everyone else.

 

Chapter 4:

“The day is coming when I’m going to burn the wicked, but you guys will go forth leaping with joy and happiness as you crush the wicked too.”

“Don’t forget the Law of Moses. Seriously, girls on their period are way unclean, bros…”

“And I’m going to send Elijah back to you guys before the final judgment happens. He’ll make sure you guys are ready, so I don’t curse you too.”

And that’s it. The last of the prophets.

In the time following this, the Judean monarchy would not be restored. The Greeks would come and introduce Hellenistic ideas and philosophies. There would be a period of strife between the Seleucids and the Judeans known as the Maccabean revolt that would restore the cult of Yahweh. And then the Romans would come and conquer Judea. Eventually, the Romans would support the appointment of an Edomite king known as Herod to govern the region, and there would be a period of apocalyptic fervor with many men coming forward claiming to be a Messiah there to reestablish the Jewish kingdom and monarchy under Yahweh.

And then the stories of the New Testament begin…

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