The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 1-3

Chapter 1:

Matthew would like us to know that Jesus was a direct descendent of the royal line of David and possessed a right to the throne of the kingdom of Israel.

The birth of Jesus:

Mary: I’m pregnant.

Joe: Who’s the father?

Mary: God.

Joe: Hahaha… yeah, right. Look, we’ll just head to divorce court, do it quietly, and I won’t even ask for you to be stoned to death.

Joe goes to bed and has a dream…

Angel: Hey, Joe, Mary’s telling the truth. God’s the father.

Joe: Great. Talk about not being able to live up to your wife’s previous boyfriend.

Nine months later, Jesus is born thus creating a holiday where we all stress out, binge drink, and go into debt to buy crap no one really needs.

Also, Joe didn’t sleep with his wife until after Jesus was born.


Chapter 2:

Sometime later…

Magi: We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar…

King Herod: Who are you looking for?

Magi: We’ve been watching the skies. A new king of the Jews was born and we followed his star. Do you know where He is?

King Herod: Priests?

Priests: Bethlehem

King Herod: You don’t say? Hey, guys, when you find him, come and tell me where I can find him so I can go “honor” him.

Magi: Sure enough.

They go to Bethlehem.

Magi: Knock knock.

Mary: Who’s knocking about at this hour? Go away!

Magi: We want to give your son some gold.

Mary: Come right in.

The Magi worship Jesus and give Joe and Mary gold, frankincense, and myrrh. They bed down for the night.

Angel: Hey, guys, Herod was lying. Take a different road home. Also, Joe, take your wife and kid and head to Egypt.

So the Magi leave and Joe takes Mary and Jesus to Egypt. And the two of them stay there until Herod dies.

Also, the author of Matthew is pretty good at taking verses out of context.

Herod: Oh, those wise men tricked me!  Kill all the children two years and under in Bethlehem.

But Herod dies. Joe and Mary come back and settle in Nazareth.


Chapter 3:

John the Baptizer shows up wearing a camel hair coat and eating grasshoppers and honey. For some reason, everyone thinks this means they should listen to him. So they came out to see him, he’d yell at them to repent and dunk their heads under the water. Everyone had a good time.

Until the Pharisees showed up anyway.

John: You venomous snakes. You’re going to hell. Being Jewish won’t help you.

Pharisees: When has being Jewish ever helped anyone? There are a lot of racists out there, you know.

John: Anyway, I baptize with water, but the one who comes after me will baptize with the Holy Spirit and fire and burn worthless things up.

Jesus: Hey, dude, I’m here. Can you dunk my head under the water?

John: You’re not a sinner. You should be dunking my head under the water.

Jesus: Just do it. It’s a really hot day.

So John shoves Jesus’ head under the water and when He comes up, the Holy Spirit descends upon him like a dove and God says, “That’s my boy, everyone. That’s my son! Woo! Go Jesus!”

“Daaaaaad… stop embarrassing me!”

“I’m just really proud of you. You took that baptism like a man!”

“This is worse than the time you showed up at my prom.”

“I’m God. I’m everywhere.”

“You always use that excuse. I wish I had never been begotten from before eternity.”

“You think you have it bad,” the Holy Spirit said. “I don’t even get any lines in any of these books.”


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