The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 8


Chapter 8:

Jesus meets a leper who asks for healing. Jesus touches him, which was a big no-no, and heals him. Jesus tells him to keep it to himself and go show the priests and present his offering as the Law required.

Then a centurion sends word to Jesus that his slave (or possibly lover) is sick and asks for Jesus to heal him. Jesus is like, “Sure, I’ll come by your house.” This was also a big no-no, so the centurion sends word against saying, “Lord, don’t trouble yourself, I understand how authority works. Just order it and I know it will be accomplished.”

Jesus says, “Wow. This guy has more faith than all of you.” And the slave/lover is healed.

Jesus stays at Peter’s house.

“What’s a bro gotta do to get some lamb kebabs, Pete?”

“Well, normally, my wife’s mother handles that, but she’s sick. I’ll order a pizza.”

“Dude, I’m not feeling pizza. I’ll just heal her and she can make the kebabs.”

Then Jesus spends the rest of the night handing out free health care to anyone who needed it like a common Democrat.

So they’re leaving the next day, and a scribe says, “Hey, I want to come with you.”

Jesus: “I’m homeless and we sleep on the ground with rocks for pillows. You okay with that?”

Another guy, “Hey, I want to come too, let me go back and bury my dad.”

Jesus: “Just come with me. Let your family handle the funeral preparations.”

Jesus’ recruiting message needs work.

They get into a boat, Jesus takes a snooze, a storm hits, and everyone is like, “Wake up! We’re going to die!”

So Jesus gets up and addresses the storm clouds, “HEY! KNOCK IT OFF! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP DOWN HERE! YA BASTIDS!”

Storm: “Oh… okay. Terribly sorry. I didn’t know. I’ll just be off then. Good night.”

So they land, and they’re met by two violent lunatics full of demons.

“Hey, Jesus… you’re early. We weren’t expecting Armageddon for a while. Are you here torture us?”

“No, but you need to leave,” Jesus said.

“Come on… seriously? We just put down some hard wood flooring.”

“Yeah, you’re going to have to move out of these guys.”

“Fine. Hey, can we move into those pigs over there?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever. God hates bacon, you know.”

Pigs: “Uh… what?”

Pig farmer: “Uh… what?”

Demons: “Woo-hoo! Life as a pig is going to be pretty sweet.”

Pigs: “Oh. Hell, no.”

The demons leave the men, the pigs commit suicide, and the locals come out and ask Jesus to leave.

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