The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 9-10

Chapter 9:

Jesus goes back to Capernaum and they bring a paralyzed man to him.

Jesus: “It’s cool, Bro, your sins are forgiven.”

Scribes: “Whoa, there, Blasphemer.”

Jesus: “Dudes, I could have told the guy to get up and walk-“

Paralyzed Man: “I kind of wish you had.”

Jesus: “But so you guys know I can forgive sins too, you, get up and walk.”

Ex-paralyzed man: “Sweet.”

Jesus leaves and sees Matthew at the Tax Collector’s booth. “Come on, Dude,” he says. Matthew closes up shop and leaves with Jesus. Matt throws a big party for all of his friends: other tax collectors and sinners.

Pharisees: Why are you hanging out with them?

Jesus: Everyone needs love, man. Especially the outcasts and sinners. Don’t be so religious, man. Be compassionate.

Disciples of John: Hey, how come you guys don’t fast?

Jesus: Because I’m here. When I leave, they’ll fast.

Jairus: My daughter’s dead. Come and bring her back to life.

Jesus: Okay.

A woman grabs his cloak to be healed.

Jesus: It’s cool. You’re healed.

They arrive at Jairus’ house. Jesus brings the little girl back to life.

Jesus heals some blind men and asks that they keep it to themselves, which seems odd because bringing a little girl back to life seems like he’d already be pretty famous.

Jesus casts out demons. Jesus spends his days teaching and healing people. But there are so many people out there, He wishes He could have some help.


Chapter 10:

Meet the twelve apostles. Most of them aren’t important to the stories.

Jesus: Go take my message to the people. But only the Jews. No Gentiles or half-breeds. Tell them the kingdom is coming. Heal people, raise the dead, cast out demons. Don’t bother taking anything with you, the people will support you. And if they don’t, God will get them.

This next passage sounds like it was adapted later after Jesus’ death.

“You guys will be like fat juicy lambs in a pack of wolves. They’re going to arrest you and whip you and you’ll be brought before kings and governors. Don’t worry about what you’ll say. The Spirit of God will talk through you.”

“You’ll be betrayed by family and sent to death. Everyone will hate you, but continue the mission. You won’t finish preaching to all the towns of Israel before I come back.”

They did finish. They went to the uttermost parts of the Earth.

“You’ll be treated like I’m treated. Badly. But don’t be afraid of them. Be afraid of God who can burn you forever in hell. He’s watching you. Over you, I mean. He’s watching over you.

“I didn’t come to bring peace, but to divide families and friends.”

But the angels said, “Peace on Earth…”

“Who are you going to believe? Me or some random angel? Anyway, if you love your family more than Me, you’re not worthy to be My disciple. But if anyone receives you, they will be rewarded. Now who’s ready to go out there and get some persecution!”

Disciples: You know… uh… I just remembered… we have a thing… Peter? Didn’t you say we had a thing with the… nets…? But you know… after that. Totally on board with the persecution thing. Yea, persecution! Just let’s go do the thing first….


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