The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 14-15

Chapter 14:

John the Baptist: It’s not cool for you to marry your sister-in-law unless your brother is actually dead, you know.

Herod: Yeah, yeah, I get it… hey, why don’t enjoy some time off in a nice cell.

Herod throws a party and his niece does a striptease that gets the drunk old pervert horny…

Herod: Hey, Baby, you’re so hot. You’re so hot I’ll give you anything you want, up to half my kingdom.

Salome: Give me John’s head on a silver platter.

Herod: That’s a weird tip, and I don’t think it’ll fit down your G-string, but okay.

John: This job sucks.

Jesus goes away for a while after hearing of John’s death, but everyone follows him anyway. And he feels compassion for them, so he sits down and starts teaching them.

Jesus: We should probably feed them.

Disciples: We’ve only got five pita breads and two fish.

Jesus: Well, let’s get started.

They pass out the food and it keeps multiplying until everyone’s fed and they have 12 baskets of leftovers.

Jesus: You guys go on. I’m going to send the crowds home.

The disciples get into a boat and immediately get into a storm. Jesus walks on by.

Jesus: Hey, guys!


Jesus: It’s me. Relax.

Peter: If it’s you, then I want to walk on water too.

Jesus: Come on out.

So Peter does, but then he gets freaked out and sinks, so Jesus pulls him up and puts him back in the boat.

Peter: You are the son of God.

And they land and everyone wants more free health care like the mooching moochers they are, so Jesus gives it to them. Freakin’ liberal Jesus. Doesn’t he understand how the markets work?


Chapter 15:

Pharisees: Hey, your disciples aren’t washing their hands before they eat. That’s kind of gross.

Jesus: Yeah, well, you guys break the commandments of God by not helping out your mom and dad because you claim your wealth is dedicated to God. Besides, it’s not what you eat that defiles you, but what comes out of your mouth.

Louis Pasteur: Uh…

Disciples: Hey, the Pharisees didn’t like that last part either.

Jesus: Yeah, well, they suck.

Peter: Well, could you explain it to us?

Jesus: What? Are you guys stupid too? What you eat goes into your belly and gets broken down. What you say reveals your corrupted heart and that’s what defiles you.

So they leave and go to a Gentile town, and a Canaanite woman comes to him.

Woman: Please help! My daughter is severely demon possessed!

Jesus: Jews only, lady. The doctor only sees Jews only, not Gentile dogs.

Woman: Even the dogs get to eat table scraps, Lord.

Jesus: Okay, you’ve won me over. Go. Your daughter is healed.

Jesus hands out more free healthcare to the Jews and feeds four thousand people before getting into  a boat and leaving.


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