The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 16-17

Chapter 16:

The Pharisees ask Jesus for a sign, but he tells them they’ll only get the sign of Jonah.

The disciples forget to pack a lunch, Jesus tells them to beware of the leaven of the religious rulers. They think he’s hangry, but he tells them that’s not what he meant, and they realize that he is warning them about the teachings of the religious Jews.

Jesus asks them who people say he is, and Peter pipes up that He is the son of God. Jesus blesses Peter and says the church will be founded on him, and despite the constant wailing from modern American Christians to the contrary, the gates of hell will not prevail against it.

He warns the disciples not to tell people He is the Christ… which seems contradictory to his intended message of the coming kingdom, but whatever.

Jesus warns them that he’s going to die. Peter says, “Not gonna let that happen.” And Jesus calls him Satan.

Jesus says that if anyone wants to follow him, they have to give up everything and be willing to die. He will come soon and repay everyone according to his deeds.

Jesus follows up by assuring the disciples that some of them won’t be dead until they see Jesus return with His kingdom. So either this is wrong or there is a 2,000 year old Jewish man walking around somewhere.


Chapter 17:

Jesus, Peter, James, and John go up onto a mountain and Jesus becomes shiny. Moses and Elijah show up and they have a chat with Jesus. Moses would represent the Law. Elijah, the prophets. So the text is saying that the Law and the Prophets are fulfilled or handed off to Jesus, which is a message the author of Matthew would use to try and convince his Jewish audience.

Peter pipes up and embarrasses himself and then God speaks.

“Hey! That’s my Son! Woo! I love this Guy! Listen to Him! Woo!”

“Come on,” Jesus said. “Let’s go. Don’t tell anyone about this until after I’m back from the dead.”

“Why do the teachers say Elijah has to come first before the Messiah?”

“Elijah is coming and will restore all things, but he already sort of came and no one listened to him and they killed him.”

“So John the Baptist is Elijah?”

“Sure, we’ll go with that.”

They come upon a lunatic. The remaining disciples could not help him. His father implores Jesus to help his son.

“Guys? You still have no faith? You seriously suck. Eveyrone. Bring the kid over here.”

They bring the kid to him. Jesus tells the demon to buzz off and the boy is cured.

“So how come we couldn’t do that?” the disciples ask him.

“Because you guys suck and have no faith. If you really had faith, you could tell mountains to move and they would do it.”

I guess no Christian ever has had faith then.

“So I’m off to Jerusalem and I’m going to die.”

The disciples has a sad.

Some tax collectors ask Peter why he and Jesus don’t pay the temple tax. Peter says they do, and goes to Jesus.

“Pete, do kings collect taxes from family or from strangers?”

“From strangers,” Pete says.

“Right. I’m family. But so we don’t cause an offense, go fishing, pull out the first fish you find and a coin will be in its mouth. Use that to go and pay the tax for you and I.”


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