The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 18-19

Chapter 18:

Disciples: Hey, Jesus, who will be the greatest in the kingdom?

Jesus: Hey, kid, come here. People like this child. Innocent, honest, trusting… you need to become like kids to enter the kingdom of Heaven. But if any one hurts one of these kids, it would be better if they jumped into a lake with cement shoes, capisce?

This world sucks because of how easy it is to sin. You don’t want to be the person who tempts another into sin.

If your body causes you to sin, mutilate yourself. It’s better to go to heaven missing some body parts than to go to hell.

And don’t look down on kids. Their angels in heaven see God’s face continually.

A good shepherd will leave his 99 sheep and go search out a missing one. God doesn’t want any of us to perish.

Great. Now let’s talk about church discipline, because I’m sure this won’t ever be abused by sanctimonious arrogant people as a way to berate and control others. If someone sins, go and talk to them one on one. If they don’t listen, bring a couple of buddies along. If they don’t listen to them, bring it in front of the church, and if they don’t listen to the church, shun them and treat them like scum.

You have the power to bind and loose things in heaven. If two or three of you agree on something, it will be done for you by God.

Peter: Hey, Jesus, how often should I forgive Andrew here for pissing me off?

Jesus: All the times.

There was a king who was balancing his checkbook and he found a vassal who owed him millions of dollars, so he commanded the man and his family and his possessions be sold to pay back part of the debt. But the vassal begged him for more time, and the king was moved with compassion and forgave the man’s debt.

But then that vassal went out and found another man who owed him a few thousand dollars and he demanded payment and began to choke his debtor. The debtor begged for more time, but the man threw him into jail.

Some of the others saw what happened and sent word to the king. The king was incensed and confronted the man for his lack of compassion. Then the king ordered the man tortured until he paid back every cent of what he owed the king.

That’s what God will do to you if you don’t forgive.


Chapter 19:

Pharisees: Hey, can we divorce our wives for any reason?

Jesus: God joins a man and a woman (or a slave girl, or many women, or sometimes a man and two sisters, etc.) together in marriage, so what God joins together let no man separate.

Pharisee: So why did Mo say we could divorce our wives?

Jesus: Mo did it because you guys couldn’t handle marriage for life without the possibility of divorce. But I say that unless your wife cheats on you, if you divorce her and marry someone else, it’s adultery.

Pharisee: Wait, according to the law, if she commits adultery, I can just have her killed, so why even include a law about divorce?

Jesus: That’s a very good question and hey, look over there!

Later, the disciples say, “Hey, if that’s really the case, then it would be better not to get married.”

Jesus: Yeah, probably, but some of you humans need to get laid pretty badly, so that idea won’t go over well.

Jesus blesses some children, then a wealthy young ruler comes to Jesus and asks what he has to do to inherit eternal life.

After listing off some commandments and being assured by the young man that he already does those, Jesus tells him to go and sell everything, give it to the poor, and become a disciple.

Young man: Yeah… thanks, Jesus, but I forgot I have this thing with the other thing… gotta go.”

Jesus: It’s really hard, almost impossible, for the rich to go to heaven. It’s really only possible because of God.

Peter: Hey, what about us? We’ve left everything to follow you.

Jesus: Seriously, dude, you’ll get your reward.

Peter: We better.

Jesus: You will!


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