The TL:DR Bible: Matthew 22-23


Chapter 22:

So the kingdom of heaven is like a king throwing a wedding feast and he sends out slaves to invite people to come. But the people ignore the slaves and some of them decide to go ahead and kill the slaves too. So the king sent out his army to destroy the Jews and Jerusalem… because that’s what Yahweh does… even though he said he would never do that again after he gathered up his people… because “Matthew” was probably writing after the sack of Jerusalem and didn’t know about those promises.

But the king goes, “Hey, those Jews weren’t worthy. Go find anybody and make them come to the wedding.”

So the slaves go out and find anyone they can to come and eat the king’s meal. But the king notices a guy who isn’t wearing nice clothes and has him tied up and thrown into outer darkness because… reasons…

Jesus says to pay your damn taxes, so stop saying taxation is theft.

Sadducees: Hey, Jesus, since you believe in a resurrection, here’s a question for you. A  guy marries a woman and dies without children, so his brother marries her and he dies without children, and five more brothers marry her each in turn and die without children, so whose wife will she be in heaven?

Jesus: There’s no marriage in heaven.

So we’ll either be completely celibate or we’ll have free love. Given the choice, I’m hoping for the latter.

Jesus: Also, God says he is the God of Abraham not he was the God of Abraham, so Abraham continues to exist. So there.

Crowd: Marvel marvel marvel…

Pharisee: What’s the greatest commandment?

Jesus: Love God and love your neighbor as yourself. Hey, how come King David calls the Messiah his lord?

Pharisees: Uh… yeah, we don’t know…

Jesus: Okay, then. No more questions. This press conference is over.

 

Chapter 23:

Jesus: The Pharisees are hypocrites. They love to control people with religion. They practice their faith to be noticed and praised by people. They love to be honored and called ‘pastor’ or Reverend or Father or Teacher…

Woe unto the religious men who keep people from the love of God.

Woe unto the religious men who steal or ignore the poor even as they pray in public.

Woe unto the religious men who make disciples even worse than themselves.

Woe to the religious men who live by loopholes in their faith so they don’t have to do what they’ve promised they would do.

Woe to the religious men who are meticulous about keeping the least aspects of the law while ignoring justice, mercy, and faithfulness.

Woe to the religious men who make themselves appear as if they have it all together but inside are full of jealousy, lust, pride, and hatred.

Woe to the religious men who build monuments to the righteous and say they would have been better than their fathers. They are sons of the ones who murdered the righteous man. Complete the measure of your guilt, you snakes. How will you escape the fires of hell?

I am sending new prophets that you will persecute and I will hold you accountable for every prophet’s death from Abel to Zachariah.

Jerusalem, I wish you had repented. Instead your house lies desolate.

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