The TL:DR Bible: Mark 4-6


Chapter 4:

It’s the story of the Sower again. Guy throwing seeds everywhere and most of the plants die, but a few plants survive and bear a lot of fruit.

It’s a metaphor for how Jesus is throwing the word out there and most of us are going to die, but a few people will get what he was trying to say and have really cool lives.

Jesus is speaking in parables to keep the people from understanding his teachings, otherwise those heathen might end up coming back to God. Which seems to contradict the idea that He came to seek and save the lost, but let’s go with it.

Jesus tells us the things you do is the stuff you will get back from God.

Jesus: The kingdom of heaven is like a farmer throwing seed into his field and watching it grow having no idea how plants grow. Then he harvests it.

O-kay…

Jesus: It’s like a mustard seed, the smallest seed in the field-

It’s not the smallest seed.

Jesus: That grows into a tree where birds make their nests.

Jesus keeps telling parables to the people but only explains them to the twelve disciples.

Jesus and the 12 leave and get on a boat to go across the Sea of Galilee, they hit bad weather, Jesus is in the back of the boat sleeping.

Disciple: Wake up! We’re dying here!

Jesus: Wind? Sea? Knock it off.

They do so.

Disciples: Who is this guy who commands the wind and seas?

Remember this passage when we get to John, chapter one.

 

Chapter 5:

It’s the demon possessed guy who cuts himself and breaks chains and haunts a graveyard and screams a lot at night.

Crazy Guy: I know you, Jesus, Son of God! Don’t hurt me!”

Jesus: Okay, okay, it’s time to pack up and go. What’s your name?

Crazy Guy: You don’t know? It’s, uh, Legion. There’s a lot of us in here.

Jesus: Well, time to move out.

Legion: Okay, but could you not send us out of the country? It’s pretty nice here. How about we move into the pigs instead?

Jesus: Fine.

Pigs: NOT FINE. THIS MAN DOES NOT SPEAK FOR US.

Legion: Woo-hoo! We get to be pigs and eat… rotting leftover food… and live in mud and our own shit…

Pigs: Oh, hell no.

And down go the piggies.

Townsfolk: Aw, man… we were going to have our annual BBQ rib contest. You’ve totally ruined it. Get out.

Guy: Hey, Jesus, can I come with you?

Jesus: No, I can’t have thirteen disciples, now can I? It’s a bad number. You stay here and tell everyone how I cured you.

And Jesus goes back to heal the woman with the neverending period and raise Jairus’ daughter from the dead.

 

Chapter 6:

Jesus tries to preach at Nazareth, but the locals all grew up with him and don’t really listen to Him, so Jesus gets miffed and only heals a few people and leaves.

Jesus sends out the disciples on their mission to go recruit more people. So they go and they start performing exorcisms and healing services.

And Herod hears of Jesus and thinks he’s John the Baptist come back from the dead, because, if you recall from Matthew, Herod had a party, got drunk, had his niece come out and do striptease that made the old perv so horny he promised she could have anything she wanted, even up to half his kingdom. Since her mom didn’t like John for pointing out that legally if she and Herod wanted to get married, her husband had to die first without leaving her any kids. So her daughter the stripper asks for John’s head.

The last time I tried to tip a stripper a severed head, she screamed and ran and called the cops on me.

Jesus feeds the five thousand and goes for a walk on the water. This time, Peter doesn’t get out to meet him and almost drown.

And Jesus walks around some more handing out free health care like a Socialist Democrat.

Hasn’t he ever heard of the Invisible Hand?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s