The TL:DR Bible: Mark 7-10

Chapter 7:

Some Pharisees observe that the disciples are eating bread without washing their hands. (The author of Mark steps in to note that those crazy Jews were like all obsessed with washing their hands and cleaning their kitchenware. Crazy, right?)

So they ask Jesus about it and Jesus says, “You guys are hypocrites, man. You say a man doesn’t have to honor his mom and dad by giving them food or money or clothing if he claims he dedicated it to God first. So there.”

Jesus: You’re not made unclean by what goes into your mouth, but by what comes out of it.

Disciples: What does that mean?

Jesus: Sigh… when you eat stuff, your body breaks it down and you poop out the waste. But your bad words and bad ideas and bad actions make you unclean.

So they go visit Tyre next and spend the night. And a woman shows up asking for help for her demon possessed daughter. Jesus doesn’t acknowledge her, so she keeps asking him over and over again.

Jesus: No Gentile dogs. Only Jews get free psychiatric care and exorcisms.

Woman: But even dogs get table scraps.

Jesus: Ah. You got me. Okay, it’s done. You’re daughter’s better.

So he leaves and goes to another town, where he treats a deaf and blind man by… putting his fingers into the man’s ears and spitting on the man’s tongue and telling him to be opened.

And everyone was astonished.

Everyone: We’re astonished!


Chapter 8:

So Jesus hands out free food again like a common liberal.

And some Pharisees ask for a sign.

Jesus: I’m not doing any sign. No signs will be given to this generation… except the very clear signs I perform in the gospel of John to show everyone I’m the son of God.

Jesus tells the disciples obtusely that the Pharisees are hypocrites and they shouldn’t be like that. Hahahahaha… yeah… that didn’t take long for the church to mess that up, did it?

Then Jesus heals a blind man by spitting on his eyes, but it only partially heals him, so Jesus lays his hands on the man’s eyes and he can see again.

Jesus: Hey, who does everyone think I am?

Disciples: John the Baptist risen from the dead, Elijah, or another prophet.

Jesus: What about you guys?

Peter: You’re the Messiah!

Jesus: Ah, this guy knows. But don’t tell anyone about it. It’s a secret because I’m going to be arrested and killed by the priests.

Peter: Uh… no. We didn’t sign up for that. We’re not letting that happen.

Jesus: Go away, Satan. Hey, everyone! If you want to be my disciple, you have to deny your own wishes and needs and be ready to die a horrible painful death. But, if you do that, then you’ll be richly rewarded in the afterlife. Those of you who aren’t ready to do that, will get nothing. And you guys better not deny me, because then I’ll be ashamed of you when I come back with the angels.


Chapter 9:

Jesus: Some of you standing here. Right here. You guys. Some of you won’t die until you see the Kingdom of Heaven come with power.

We get the Transfiguration again. This time Peter suggests they stay there and throw up a couple of tents for Moses and Elijah, even though Peter had never seen Moses and Elijah, so how would he know they were Moses and Elijah? Ah, they were probably wearing nametags. Every good church special occasion calls for nametags.

And John the Baptist was really Elijah… even though he said he wasn’t and Elijah was just there a second ago with his head fully attached.

We revisit the rest of the disciples who aren’t very good at exorcisms yet, so the boy’s father pleads with Jesus to help him.

Jesus: Crap. You disciples suck. Let’s go see the boy.

Father: IF you can do anything, I would appreciate it.

Jesus: IF? IF? Why anything is possible if you believe.

Father: Okay, okay, I believe. Help my unbelief.

Jesus: Hey, demon. Get out of the boy.


Disciples: Why couldn’t we do that?

Jesus: Oh, uh… you didn’t pray first.

Jesus tells them he’s going to die again and be resurrected. No one asks what he meant by that. Then they get into a fight about who is going to be King Jesus’ right hand man once the Kingdom of God arrives.

Jesus: Yeah, it’s not going to work that way. So if you guys want to be great, you have to serve your fellow man.

John: Hey, Jesus, I saw filthy heathen casting out demons in your name, and I put a stop to it because he’s not a part of our Reformed Baptist Convention of 32 AD.

Jesus: Sigh… dude… stop it. Just stop it. If someone’s not against me, they’re for me. Someone doing good works in my name or showing kindness to others, they’re not going to lose their reward.

But if anyone causes one of these kids to stumble, they’re going to pay. It’s better to maim your own body if it’s causing you to sin, than to go to hell.

Yeah… I’m not sure any of us are really THAT committed, Jesus.


Chapter 10:

Jesus: Moses gave you divorce because you jerks couldn’t handle monogamy until death. So whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery. And if she gets remarried, she commits adultery too.

There is no “except for sexual immorality” clause in this gospel.

Jesus blesses the children, laying his hands on them.

No, not like that, Father Tim. Definitely not like that.

The rich young ruler comes back seeking eternal life, but leaves after Jesus tells him to sell all of his goods and take care of the poor.

Jesus: It’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to get into heaven.

Disciples: What? If the hard-working, morally upright, blessed Job Creators can’t get into heaven’s gated community, what hope is there for us?

Jesus: I’ll talk to the bouncer. He’ll let you in.

Peter: Hey, you know, we left all of our stuff to follow you. What are we going to get?

Jesus: The Papacy.

Peter: Does it pay much?

Jesus: Goodness, yes. And you get to wear nice robes and a funny hat.

Peter: Worth it.

So they head up to Jerusalem. Jesus goes over the dying and coming back plan again and James and John unwittingly invite pain and suffering upon themselves because they wanted to be Jesus’ right and left hand men.

And Jesus heals a blind man.

Bartimaeus: Okay, whoever dressed me in a pink robe with a pastel orange hat has some explaining to do.


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