The TL:DR Bible: Mark 14-16


Chapter 14:

Priests: We have to kill Jesus before he starts a riot and Rome starts killing us. But we can’t do it during the holiday or we might start a riot.

Jesus gets anointed with expensive perfume.

Disciples: Hey! That could have been sold and the money used for the poor.

Jesus: You can help the poor whenever you want to, but I’m leaving and she wanted to make sure I smelled nice. I mean, dudes, we’ve been trekking through the deserts for years now. You don’t have to announce when we’re coming to town anymore, people can smell us from miles away.

Judas: Well, this is just too much for me. I’m off to betray you.

Jesus: Okay. The rest of you go find someone in the city and tell him we’re crashing at his place for the Passover meal.

They eat the Passover. Jesus starts the Communion sacrament. Jesus passive-aggressively lets Judas know that he’s a traitor. Jesus predicts Peter’s denials. And they go off to pray.

Jesus: Dear God, okay, you totally got me in Matthew. So how’s about we call it a day and don’t kill me off in Mark? Let’s just maybe forgive humanity without a bloody, gory death for me.

God: I’m sorry, were you saying something? I was just playing with my new iPhone.

Jesus gets arrested. One of Jesus’ followers invents streaking.

We get Jesus’ trials and Peter’s denials.

 

Chapter 15:

“Mark” wants the nice Roman government to know that Christians do not blame them for the death of Jesus. Since good, tolerant Pilate found no reason to kill someone calling himself the King of the Jews. It was those Jewish people.

Jesus gets mocked and beaten and flogged and nailed to a cross. Again.

Everyone mocks Jesus including the thieves being crucified next to him. Jesus cries out to God asking why God has forsaken him, then he yells again and dies.

The Temple curtain is torn in two, and the centurion crucifying Jesus proclaims him the son of God.

Joseph of Arimathea claims the body and buries Jesus for the second time.

 

Chapter 16:

“Mark’s” resurrection story is the shortest of them all. The Marys come to the tomb on Sunday morning and find it open. A young man in a white robe greets them.

Young man: Hey, guys. Jesus is not here. He has risen. Go and tell the disciples and Peter that he is going to Galilee and you will see him there as He promised.

The women flee from the tomb and say nothing because they were afraid.

And that’s it.

Later authors probably found this ending insufficient and added verses 9 and following, including the bit about snake handling. So don’t pick up a rattlesnake because Jesus didn’t actually say that would be one of your superpowers.

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