The TL:DR Bible: Luke 3-4


Chapter 3:

Hey, it’s John the Baptist again. This time all grown up.

John: You pack of poisonous snakes, who warned you to flee from the wrath to come?”

People: Uh… you did. That’s why we’re here.

John: Oh. Well, do good works that show your repentance. You can’t rely on tradition or family. Do what is right, or be destroyed.

People: So what should we do?

John: Give your excess to the poor. Tax collectors shouldn’t cheat the people. And soldiers are not to steal or extort money, do their job justly, and be content with their wages.

People: So are you the Messiah?

John: No, no, I’m the hype man. He’s much greater than me. I’m not fit to untie his shoes. He’s going to baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. Also, Herod the tetrarch? Your marriage is illegal.

Herod: Off to jail for you.

John: Wait… I haven’t baptized Jesus yet.

Herod: Fine. I’ll wait.

Jesus: I’m here.

God: That a boy! Woo!

Holy Spirit: I still haven’t gotten one single line in any of these books.

Herod: Okay, Jesus is baptized. Go to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

John: Everyone knows that game sucks.

Herod: Yes. Yes, it does.

And Luke includes a genealogy for Jesus that is different from the one Matthew included. Maybe people have many opinions on why that is.

 

Chapter 4:

Jesus goes out to the desert for forty days again and fasts. He was hungry.

Devil: Hey, there. You know if you’re hungry and you’re God, you could make rocks into tasty bread.

Jesus: Man shall not live by bread alone.

Devil: Yeah, that’s pretty much how the body works. You eat, you live. You don’t eat, you die.

Jesus: I meant, man also needs the word of God.

Devil: Can you put salt on that? Anyway, how about you worship me and I make you ruler of the world?

Jesus: According to a lot of the Old Testament, I’m already in charge of the world, so no. Also, I was pretty clear in the Ten Commandments. I’m the only one who gets worship.

Devil: Well, what if you prove you’re the Messiah to the Jews by jumping off the Temple steeple and letting angels catch you?

Jesus: That would be putting God to the test.

Devil: Test all things…

Jesus: That’s not in the script. You’re supposed to go away now.

Devil: Sigh… fine. I don’t know why I ever agreed to appear in this book. I mean, seriously, how does this “Luke” or “Matthew” fellow know what happened out here anyway? Plot holes you could drive a truck through…

Jesus: Time to go home, I guess.

He goes to Nazareth and stands up in the synagogue.

Jesus: Hi all, I’m Jesus and I’ll be your Messiah today.

Nazarenes: Yeah, we know you.

Jesus: You guys all suck. Unbelieving Jews. I bet the Gentiles will believe in me!

Nazarenes: Let’s throw him off a cliff and kill him.

Jesus: Uh… I’ll just be going now.

He goes to Capernaum and the people believe him and are impressed by his teaching and his ability to cast out demons. Jesus goes to Peter’s house and heals his mother-in-law again. He hands out more free health care like a socialist and goes on tour.

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