The TL:DR Bible: Luke 11-12

Chapter 11:

Disciples: Lord, teach us to pray.

Jesus: Say, “Our father, holy is your name, your kingdom come. Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins because we forgive those who sin against us. Lead us not into temptation.”

Be annoyingly persistent in your prayers. God may get sick of your pleading and give you what you want just to shut you up. So ask and it will be given to you.

You give good things to your kids who ask you for stuff, how much more then will God give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him.

Well, that’s different from Matthew. I wonder if the author was trying to hedge that promise a bit. “Well, you can’t ask for anything and expect God to give it to you because my million denarii hasn’t been delivered by the Roman Women’s Beach Volleyball team yet, so it must be a spiritual promise.”

Jesus casts out some demons and the Pharisees say, “Yeah, Satan is empowering him to do this.”

Jesus: Satan’s not getting into a civil war. Anyway, your own sons cast out demons too, are they under the control of Satan? If you’re not with me, you’re against me.

Wait, I thought you just said, if you’re not against me, you’re with me. *Looks back at chapter 9. Come on, “Luke” send it to an editor before you include contradictory statements.

Someone says Mary is blessed because she gave birth to Jesus. Jesus says, “No, anyone who does the word of God is blessed.”

“The Gentiles will judge this generation for not believing in me.”

A Pharisee asks Jesus to come to lunch and is surprised that Jesus didn’t wash his hands the traditional way, so Jesus erupts with a diatribe against him and his school of theology:

“You guys are so concerned with the outward appearance and observances, but you are full of evil and robbery. Clean the inside first. Give your money to charity, then you will be clean.”

“Woe to you, for you carefully pay your tithe to the smallest seed, but you ignore justice and love. You love being respected and honored by men, you are like the tombs of the dead, filled with rotting corruption inside.”

Lawyer: Hey, you’re insulting us too!

Jesus: Woe to you lawyers. You impose harsh rules upon the masses, but do not follow them yourselves. You build the tombs of the prophets when you are the sons of their murderers. I will send you more prophets and you will persecute and kill them. And I will judge you guilty of the murders of all of the prophets. Woe to you for you have refused to enter the kingdom of God and prevent others from doing so.

So Jesus leaves there and the Pharisees and lawyers are now extremely hostile to him. I wonder why.


Chapter 12:

Jesus tells his disciples: Don’t be hypocrites. Everything you think is secret will be made public. Whatever you post on social media will be made public.

Don’t fear men, fear God because he can kill you and then torture you with fire for all eternity.

But He loves you!

Don’t deny me, or I’ll deny you before God. And don’t blaspheme the Holy Spirit or you can’t be forgiven.

Someone from the crowd: Hey, Jesus, can you tell my brother to spilt the inheritance with me?

Jesus: I’m not your judge. Beware of greed. Your life is worth more than your possessions.

There was a rich man whose lands were very productive. So he decided to tear down his barns and build bigger barns and then retire and live at ease with his wealth. But God said, “Yeah, I’m going to kill you tonight. Who will own all of your wealth now?”

So don’t get rich and be poor with God.

Don’t worry about your life, what you will eat, what you will wear. Life is more than food. God takes care of the birds and the flowers, so how much more will he clothe you?

It is estimated that a person dies of hunger or hungerrelated causes every ten seconds… Sadly, it is children who die most often.

Maybe we need to step up and do more instead of letting God take care of it.

Jesus: Seek the kingdom of God. Sell what you have and give it to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven.

Everyone be on guard because I’m coming again soon.

Disciples: You… you’re still here. How can you be coming again?

Jesus: This was written after I had left.

Disciples: Gotcha. Okay, so you’re coming again, we should live good Christian lives until you show up again… even though you’re already here.

Jesus: Well, I’m here here, but I’m not here then.

Disciples: This is confusing.

Dr. Who: Welcome to my world.

Jesus: Anyway, I have come to cast fire upon the earth, and I wish I could burn this mother down right now.

What happened to I have come to seek and save that which was lost?

Jesus: But I have to die first and I don’t want to. But I’m totally going to cause division in your homes and families and parents will hate children and children will hate parents because that’s what being in a fundamentalist religion does.

Judge the signs of the time!

And thus Jesus created an entire cottage industry of bad Christian prophesy books trying to link various Middle Eastern news items to the utterings of Ezekiel who lay on his side for a year and ate shit sandwiches.



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