The TL:DR Bible: Luke 15-16


Chapter 15:

So Jesus is hanging out with a bunch of sinners.

Why are Christians so against doing that with people they think are icky again?

But the Pharisees start bitching about it. “Come on, Jesus, first you’re saying tax collectors and whores are okay, next you’ll be telling us LGTBQ folks aren’t an abomination. Then who would we yell about on our radio shows every week?”

Jesus: Okay, assuming these people are ‘icky’, which one of you wouldn’t leave his 99 sheep in a pen to go search out a lost one? And then celebrate when he found it?

Or which woman if she had ten $100 bills and lost one, wouldn’t look for it? And be extremely happy when she found it?

A man had two sons. The youngest said to his dad, “I wish you were dead. Give me the inheritance money you owe me now.”

So the dad did so, and the son left home and travelled around the world throwing expensive parties with blackjack and hookers until he was broke. Then he had to take a menial job as a pig herder and he got so hungry he wanted to eat the slop he was feeding the pigs.

Then he thought, Dad’s slaves have plenty of food to eat. I’m going to go home and tell dad I fucked up and I’m not worthy to be a son, and beg him to take me on as a slave.

So he got up and started home, and his dad was sitting on the porch watching the road. And as soon as he saw him, the father ran to him, embraced him, and kissed his son on the cheeks and forehead repeatedly.

“Dad, I’m sorry. I’m not worthy to be called your son. Make me one of your slaves.”

“Be quiet, Son. Slaves? Bring my son the best robe and dress him. Put sandals on his feet, and prepare a great feast. For my son was dead, but is now alive!”

So they throw a party, and the elder boy comes home from working in the fields and hears the noise of the party and he finds out his brother came home and dad is throwing a great feast for him. The elder son is enraged and refuses to go into the party.

The father comes out, “Son, come on in. Celebrate with us.”

“Dad, I’ve worked for you for years. I’ve done everything you asked me to do, and you’ve never let me throw an awesome party. But as soon as this son of yours comes back from wasting your money with whores, you throw him a party.”

“Son, all I have is yours, but it was right to celebrate. Your brother was dead, but has come back to us.”

And so we’re left with the image of a “good” son standing outside an unlocked door refusing to enter into joy because his dad let those “other” people in. If there is a heaven, I wonder how many “good” Christian people will feel that way once they find out that God lets those “other” people in too.

 

Chapter 16:

Jesus: There was a business manager whose his client heard he was being wasteful with the client’s money. So the client calls him in and tells him to turn over his books because he’s going to be fired. The business manager realizes that he doesn’t have a lot of other options, so he contacts his master’s debtors and lets them settle accounts for pennies on the dollars. The business manager does this so they’ll be in debt to him, so he can live off of their hospitality until he finds another job.

When the client heard about it, he praised the crooked manager’s cunning. So you likewise be cunning and use money to make friends so when you’re in need, you’ll have people you can call on to help.

If you’re faithful in little things, you will be faithful with great things. If you have not used your wealth wisely, who will entrust more money to you? You cannot serve God and money.

The Pharisees are mocking him amongst themselves, so Jesus calls them hypocrites and for some reason, brings up divorce, agreeing with “Mark” that any remarriage after divorce is adultery. So… uh… wonder why you don’t hear that much coming out of the Evangelical church…

Jesus: There was a rich man who wore the finest clothes. Like the best clothes. Super clothes. He had a big house. Just giant. You might consider it a tower of sorts. A very fine tower. With gold everywhere. He ate the best taco bowls and very fine steak cooked well done with ketchup. Very classy guy.

Outside his building’s doors lived a poor, homeless beggar who would have done anything to eat the rich man’s leftovers. He was exposed to the elements. Wild animals would come by and lick his sores. But the rich man never noticed or acknowledged him.

Finally, the poor man died. He was carried by the angels to a place of comfort where Abraham (the guy who gave his wife to other men, and raped a slave girl, then left her and his kid to die in the desert, before almost killing his other kid) lived. There, the beggar had comfort, food, and water and lived in a paradise.

The rich man died too. He was taken to a place of want and hunger and thirst. Lifting up his eyes, he sees Abraham and begs the man to send the beggar to him with a single drop of water, but Abraham refuses.

“Hey, dude, in your life, you lived in a tower. You ate the best food. You wore designer clothes that felt awesome. You had your time in the sun. Now it’s Lazarus’ turn to be comforted while you live in want and need and agony.”

“Okay, can you send him back to warn my family so they don’t end up in this horrible place?”

“Ha ha ha… no. Go screw yourself. They’ve got the bible and if they don’t believe a collection of books written hundreds of years after the fact by anonymous and pseudonymous authors, they won’t believe a guy who comes back from the dead.”

The lesson being… Abraham is still kind of a dick, remember the poor, and don’t be an asshole with a lot of money, a tower, and bad hair.

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