The TL:DR Bible: Luke 19-20

Chapter 19:

Zaccheus was a little person, so you know, officially he was already on God’s naughty list (Leviticus 20:18-20.) And he was a tax collector, so he was considered a traitor and unclean because he hung out with Gentiles.

But Zach wants to see Jesus, so he climbs up a tree, which given that I think they wore togas and robes back then instead of pants probably meant folks could see up Zach’s kilt. But he was committed to seeing Jesus, so he flashed the goods, saw Jesus walking and Jesus said, “Dude, come down. No one wants to see that… ah, I’m kidding. Come on down, I’m going to be staying at your place tonight.”

The people grumble because that’s what they do, but Zach says, “Jesus, I’m going to give half of my goods to the poor and if I have defrauded anyone, I will repay them four times the amount.”

Jesus said, “Salvation has come to this home. I’ve come to seek and save that which is lost.”

Someone really needs to tell Jesus he’s doing it wrong and they can’t earn their salvation through good works, but they need to say the sinner’s prayer.

Jesus: There was a noble who was to receive a kingdom, and he appointed ten slaves in charge of a thousand bucks each and told them to take care of his business until he returned. When he left, some of his subjects sent a delegation behind him to let Caesar know that they did not want this man ruling over them.

When the noble returned, he gathered together his slaves and had them go over their finances with him.

The first one said, “I took your thousand and made ten thousand more.”

“Awesome. You’ll be in charge of ten cities.”

The second one said, “I took your thousand and made five thousand more.”

“Great. You’re in charge of five cities.”

“Master, here’s your thousand back. I was afraid you’d be pissed and have me tortured if I lost any of it.”

“Well, you’re pretty worthless. Take this guy’s thousand and give it to the slave who made 10 grand. For the one who has will receive more and the one who does not have will have anything he owns taken away. Now… bring me those citizens who complained to Caesar and have them killed in front of me.”

Sort of hard to interpret around this as it seems to be saying that God is a tyrant who expects excellence and complete obedience or else.

Jesus enters Jerusalem again. He only rides one animal this time as well, but Luke chooses the colt instead of the donkey.

The disciples all shout, “Hey, everyone here’s the Messiah who will be king!”

The Pharisees say, “Uh, Jesus, you want to silence those jerks before the Romans start butchering us again?”

Jesus says, “If they don’t say it, then the rocks will start saying it.”

Jesus cries over Jerusalem and “Luke” writes about the destruction of Jerusalem and says that it happened because the Jews didn’t realize that Jesus was the Messiah.

Jesus cleanses the temple again and gets into arguments with the priests again and the Roman soldiers just stand by watching it happen again.

“Hey,” the soldier said, “I was on me break, alright?”


Luke 20:

Jesus has his authority questioned again, he asks them if John the Baptist was sent from God or was just a man, they don’t answer, so Jesus refuses to answer their question. Which just kind of seems really passive-aggressive.

“Come on, Jesus.”

“No, not until you answer my question.”

“We asked you first!”

“I asked you second!”

Jesus tells the story of the vineyard that was rented out to some farmers and how they tried to get out of paying their rent by abusing and killing the people sent to collect it, including the landlord’s son, so the landlord is coming to kill them all and turn the vineyard over to new renters, aka the Church and the Gentiles.


Pay your damn taxes, said Jesus. They aren’t theft.

Jesus says there’s a resurrection, but no marriage in heaven, so we get to date around.

Jesus tries to get the scribes and priests to understand that the Messiah will be greater in power and authority than his ancestor David.

And then Jesus calls the scribes hypocrites who love the trappings of religion and will be damned more harshly than the pagans.


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