The TL:DR Bible: John 1-2

Chapter 1:

From the beginning, the Word existed. It was with God. It was the very expression of God. The Word created all things and brings enlightenment to those in darkness.

John the Baptist was a witness of the Word, but not the Word.

He came to His Chosen People, but they rejected Him, but anyone who receives Him receives the right to be called a  child of God. These were born of God, not merely flesh and blood.

The Word became a man and lived with us. So John testified of Him that He was the greater because He existed before John.

The Law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came with Jesus the Christ. If you have seem Him, you have seen God.

John was Baptizing (hence his name) in the Jordan when some religious leaders came to ask him who he was.

“I’m the forerunner, not the Christ or Elijah or the Prophet Moses promised you. I baptize with water, but One is coming whose shoe I am not worthy to untie.”

The next day, John sees Jesus and says, “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. This is the Greater One! I have seen the Spirit of God descend upon him and stay with Him as God promised.”

The following day, John is with two of his disciples and he sees Jesus again.

“Behold the Lamb of God!”

The disciples follow Jesus.

Jesus: What’s up, guys?

Disciples: Where do you live?”

Jesus: Follow me and find out.

So they do and they hang with him for a few hours and one of them, Andrew, goes and finds his brother Simon saying, “We’ve found the Messiah.” So Simon comes and meets Jesus and Jesus says, “Hey, Simon, you’re going to be called Peter.”

So to summarize what’s different between John and the Synoptic gospels, instead of calling them from a boat, Andrew meets Jesus and then brings Peter to Him, Jesus names him Peter before Peter answers the “Who do you think I am?” question, and the disciples know that Jesus is the Messiah.

The following day, Jesus calls Philip and Philip follows him. He goes and finds Nathanael and says, “We’ve found the Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth!”

Nate says, “Nazareth is a garbage town, nothing good can come from it.”

But Nate goes and meets Jesus and Jesus is like, “Hey, there’s a Jew in whom no deceit is found. Dude seriously just speaks his mind.”

Nate: Do you know me?

Jesus: I knew you before Philip called you when you sitting under a fig tree… Not a fan of figs, by the way.”

Nate: Teacher! You are the Son of God! The King of Israel!

Jesus: Seriously? Wow… that was easy. Follow me and you will see greater things than this.


Chapter 2:

Jesus and the disciples head to a wedding in the town of Cana. But the wine runs out. This would be embarrassing for the bride and groom, so Mary, Jesus’ mom, goes to Jesus and says, “Son, they ran out of wine.”

Jesus: Why is that my problem, woman? My hour hasn’t come yet.

But Mary knows her son, I guess, so she tells the wait staff, “Do whatever Jesus says.”

Jesus says, “Take those six 20 gallon jars and go fill them with water.” So they did. Then Jesus said, “Take a glass of the water and give it to your boss.”

The boss drinks the water that was now wine and calls the groom over.

“Dude, why did you save the good wine for last? Most people serve the good stuff first, then when the guests are liquored up, serve the 2 buck Chuck.”

Then Jesus heads up to Jerusalem now instead of at the end of his life and cleanses the Temple now instead of during Passion Week. The Roman soldiers still don’t arrest him for starting a small riot.

And the priests are like, “Oh… well, so, uh… what authority do you have to do this and what sign will you show to prove it?”

Jesus: Destroy this temple and I will raise it in three days.

Priests: It took 46 years to build the temple and you’re going to rebuild it in three days?

Jesus: I mean the temple of my body.

Priest: Oh, okay. (Grabs sword and stabs Jesus through the heart.) Alright, you heard him. Everyone go home and come back in three days.

Alright, that last part didn’t happen. Instead, Jesus leaves and does a bunch of miracles in Jerusalem to convince people he’s the Messiah, but Jesus refused to hang out with them for very long because seriously, he’s already been betrayed three times now and isn’t very trusting of people anymore.



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