The TL:DR Bible: John 4-5

Chapter 4:

Jesus hears that the Pharisees know that he has a bigger congregation than John the Baptist, so he leaves Judea and passes through Samaria on his way to Galilee. He stops at a town and sits next to a well. The disciples go into the town market to buy food.

A woman appears and Jesus asks her for a  drink.

“You’re a Jew, I thought you were racist as hell against Samaritans?”

Jesus tells her he can give her living water. She’s interested because lugging water back to the house every day is pretty hard work. Jesus is being mystical though and means salvation and eternal life. The woman is more practical since she lives in a fucking desert. Jesus asks her to call her husband, and she says she doesn’t have one. Jesus says, “Yeah, I know. You’ve had five and you’re sleeping with a man now who isn’t your husband.”

She’s like, “Hey, you’re a prophet! Where should we worship God?”

“God doesn’t care. Worship in spirit and in truth.”

“The Messiah will come and explain it to us.”

“Right here, Baby. Jesus Christ, Messiah…”

The disciples come back and are surprised that Jesus is talking to a Samaritan woman, but she bolts back to town and tells everyone about Jesus and his ability to know her marital history. So folks start coming out of the town to the well to see Jesus. His disciples encourage him to eat, but Jesus goes all mystic on them.

“To do the will of God is my food.”

“Uh… wow… great… so I spent 8 shekels on this falafel sandwich for nothing… could have told me sooner…”

“Come on, Pete, don’t be like that.”

“No, no, it’s fine… I guess I’ll just put it in the refrigerator and you can have it later. Oh wait… we haven’t invented refrigeration yet.”

So the Samaritans come out and listen to Jesus and they ask him to stay for a couple of days and believe he is the Messiah.

Jesus goes to Nazareth and gets a poor reception, then travels to other towns in Galilee and folks come out to see and hear him because they saw the miracles he did in Judea.

An official in Herod’s court comes to seek out Jesus. His son is sick and dying, so he begs Jesus to heal him.

Jesus: Ugh. Unless you all see signs and wonders, you won’t believe.

“Please… my child is dying… I know you can save him.”

“Fine. Go home. The child is well again.”

The man goes home and finds his child well. He finds out that his son got better the very hour Jesus said he was well, so he believes.

This is the second sign Jesus performs in Galilee… despite saying elsewhere that no signs were to be given to this generation, but the sign of Jonah…


Chapter 5:

Okay, so…

Jesus goes back to Jerusalem…

In Jerusalem, there was a pool or bath. And periodically, God would play sort of a sick and twisted game show with the people. God would send an angel down to stir up the pool, and whoever was first into the pool got healed, while the rest got jack.

Yeah… seriously… think about that for a minute.

God makes all the sick people fight each other to be the first one in, so they can get healing.

Jesus finds someone who’s been paralyzed for 38 years. He has no hope of making it into the pool. So Jesus tells him, get up, pick up your bed, and go home. The man got up, picked up his bed, and headed home.

Did Jesus heal everyone else there? Don’t know. Doesn’t say. It just says he healed this one. But He healed the man on a Saturday, so, oopsies… the Pharisees are pissed that the man is carrying his bed, so they want to know who told him to pick up his bed on a Saturday. He doesn’t know, but then Jesus finds him in the Temple and says, “Don’t sin anymore or something worse will happen to you.”

Man… wow… it’s like “John” never read Job.

The man goes to tell the Pharisees that Jesus was the one who told him to carry his bed, then confront him and Jesus says, “Hey, Dad is working today and so am I.”

That makes them super mad because Jesus just called himself God’s Son.

Jesus: I can’t do anything of my own accord, I only do what I see God doing. God loves His Son and shows Me what He is doing and He will show me greater works than these, so you will be astonished. The Father raises the dead, the Son will likewise give men life. The Son will judge this world, so that all men will honor me as they honor the Father. If you believe in me, you will have eternal life.”

“The hour is here when those who hear my voice and believe will live. The hour will soon come when the dead will rise and the Son will judge them, the righteous to eternal life and the wicked to judgment.

I do nothing of myself. I do what the Father does and what He asks of me.

I am not alone in testifying of myself. John the Baptist said I was the Messiah. My works say I’m the Messiah, and the Father above says I am the Messiah… even though you haven’t heard him speak.

The Scriptures you search, they testify of Me, but you are unwilling to believe. But you seek glory only from each other, and not from God, so you will not believe Me or the words of Moses.”


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