Chapter 1:
Paul, I’m really an apostle, guys, come on! God picked me!
To the Galatians.
I’m surprised you guys are abandoning Jesus. Yeah, I’ve heard you’re following other doctrines, and I’ve always said, either you agree with me, or you’re accursed.
I’m not trying to please men. If I were, I wouldn’t be a Christian.
Guys, my doctrines aren’t from my own head, I saw a vision of Jesus and He taught me everything I believe.
“What if someone else claims the same thing?”
…Anyway, you guys know I used to try to kill Christians, but then I saw Jesus who called me to preach to the Gentiles. So after receiving my vision, I didn’t go and consult with the first apostles, no, I went into the deserts of Arabia and then returned to Damascus. Then I went to Jerusalem to meet Pope Peter and hung out with him for fifteen days, and I met James, the brother of Jesus. I’m totally not lying guys.
And then I went around and visited other churches, but they didn’t know me by sight, only by the word of my conversion in which they glorified God.
Chapter 2:
After 14 years, I went back to Jerusalem because some other Jesus followers, who were not Jesus followers because they disagreed with me, called a council at which I proclaimed the gospel I preached to the Gentiles. They had hoped to make all of you follow the Law and cut part of your penis off, but I prevailed and the church elders were cool with my message. They only asked us to remember the poor, which I wanted to do anyway. So there.
And when Peter came to Antioch, I told him off to his face when he ate with the Gentiles one day and shunned them the next because some of the more conservative Jewish Christians came to visit. (I thought we were supposed to restrain our liberty if our weaker Christian brethren objected, Paul?)
I said, “Why are you trying to force Gentiles to live like Jews when you don’t? We died to the Law in Christ and now live for him. He lives in us. Do not nullify the grace of God by the works of the Law, for if righteousness comes by the Law, Jesus died in vain.”
Chapter 3:
You idiots. Why have you abandoned faith for the Law? You received the Spirit in faith, not through keeping the Law.
Those who are born of faith are sons of Abraham. He believed God and it was accounted to him as righteousness. So the bible, seeing that God would justify by faith, said to Abraham, “All of the nations will be blessed in you.”
Those under the Law are under a curse, as it says, “Cursed is the one who does not keep all things written in the book of the Law.” No one is justified by the Law. Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law by becoming a curse, as anyone hung on a tree is cursed.
God promised Abraham that the entire world would be blessed by his seed, that is singular, meaning Jesus Christ. The law came later, much later, and it does not invalidate God’s promise to Abraham.
So the Law was meant to be a tutor that lead us to Christ. Now that we have faith, we no longer need it. You are all sons of God through faith in Jesus Christ. There is no race, ethnicity, gender, or status in Christ Jesus, we are all one with Him and with one another. You are all heirs of the promise.
Chapter 4:
As heirs, when you were children, you were under the authority of others, until you became an adult. We were in bondage to the Law until the fullness of time came and God sent his son born of a woman under the Law, so He could redeem us under the Law and we might become the sons of God.
Now that you have become sons of God, how are you returning to the Law that is weak and worthless? I’m afraid that my work among you was in vain.
Remember when Abe raped a slave girl and had a son with her? It’s like that. She and her son were under bondage, which represents the Law, but Isaac was the son of promise and free, and he represents those born of faith. And which kid got kicked into the desert to die? Yeah, the slave’s kid. Not us.
Chapter 5:
Christ called you to be free and enjoy freedom, don’t go back to keeping the Law.
If you are circumcised, then you’re not a Christian. You’re under the Law and must keep the entire Law. You are cut off from Christ. Circumcision means nothing in Christ.
“Then why did he put it into the bloody Law and make us cut off a bit of our junk?”
The one disturbing you will bear his judgment. I wish he would cut off his entire dick.
The Law may be fulfilled with one command: Love your neighbor as yourself. If you fight, take care that you are not consumed.
Walk in the Spirit (How?) and you will not act in the flesh. The actions of the flesh are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing. Anyone who does these things is damned.
The fruit of the Spirit is love, that is: joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, fidelity, empathy, and self-control.
Chapter 6:
If anyone sins, those who are spiritual, restore that person in a spirit of gentleness, each one being mindful of his own weaknesses.
Bear each other’s burdens.
Do not be self-deceived about your life. Share what you have learned with one another.
God is not mocked, what you sow, you will reap. Act accordingly and do not lose heart in doing what is right. Let us do good to all people while we live and breathe, especially to other Christians.
See how large my writing is?
The people asking you to cut off a bit of your penis are just trying to get in good with the Jews to avoid persecution. Yeah, I’m assigning them an evil motive rather than seeing them as people who legitimately disagree with me. What of it? I only boast in Jesus, not in my perfectly circumcised dick.
Let no one bother or mock me because look how much I’ve suffered for Jesus.
Grace to you. Amen.
House of the Dread 