The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 1


Rather than continuing with the Quran today, because the thought of doing so is only slightly less attractive to me than hammering a nail through my scrotum, I thought we might take the Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) up on his challenge and write some scripture of our own.

So today, I would like to introduce you all to the one true religion.

Whoopee.

Yes, Whoopee.

Yes, it is a rather silly name. But religions are rather silly things, so it fits.

Now, this religion doesn’t require you to believe in it. It doesn’t require your money. It doesn’t require you to spend most of one day a week listening to someone in a funny costume talk about much you suck. It doesn’t even require you to give up your bacon cheeseburgers.

No, this religion requires but one thing of you. But we’ll get to that in a moment.

As with any religion, we’re going to need a deity. So you’ll be surprised and pleased, I hope, to learn that I found one. So, Ladies, Gentlemen, and those who don’t fit either of those categories, let me introduce you to God.

Say hello to Big Whoop.

As the name implies, he is sort of a big deal. Yes, Big Whoop is the Almighty. The Creator. The Lord of this reality, that reality, and the reality where all of your missing socks disappear to. There he is known by the moniker, the Big Sneaker, and your former socks pray daily to be enveloped in his stinky warmth.

First, I should clarify, when I use the word “he” to describe Big Whoop, it’s not entirely accurate. You see, I’m mostly using “he” as a simplistic convention of the English language. No, Big Whoop is not exclusively a “he”. He is both He, and not He. Both She and not She. To be honest, Big Whoop is both every gender and no gender all at the same time.

If you find that confusing, just think of how he feels when he creates an online dating profile. Fortunately, super-dimensional entities are very open and quite freaky (we’re looking at you, Zeus), so it has not hurt his social life at all.

Secondly, you should know that Big Whoop is terribly sorry for the current state of the world. You see, when he last checked in, you were all apes with slightly above average intelligence. He thought he could pop out, run a few errands, and come back without you weird little primates burning the place down. Clearly, he was wrong and he apologizes.

Yes, sometimes Big Whoop can be wrong. And when Big Whoop is wrong, like any advanced super-dimensional entity with class and morals does, Big Whoop apologizes.

We should also mention that Big Whoop is self-sufficient. Thus he does not give a whoop if you believe in him or not. He doesn’t care if you worship him or not. He finds your religions to be a bit weird, to be honest, and he sees how often you little apes beat each other with sticks because of them, so he’d actually prefer if you just leave him out of it. If you feel the need to acknowledge Big Whoop, he would prefer you send a nice little card to him around the holidays.

Well, that and that you would follow his one simple rule. Yes, finally, we arrive at our religion’s and our deity’s one command for you, little hairless monkeys, and that command, that imperative that is so very important is this:

Don’t be an asshole.

I know, right? I’ll give you a moment.

Yes, don’t be an asshole. It really is that simple.

That’s it. One rule. Not ten, not five, not two. Just one.

Big Whoop is, after all, very realistic when it comes to how much you meat critters can remember at any given moment with your brains made out of meat.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, “What if I am an asshole.”

Stop it.

Then apologize to the people to which you were an asshole and make things right.

“But, Prophet Dread,” you may say, and really you shouldn’t. I’m not a prophet… I am but a simple Exalted Reverend Most High Grande Nacho Supreme Poobah.

“Wow, that’s a mouthful,” you might say, to which I reply, “That’s what she said.”

“No, no… I had another question,” you insisted. “Though it is rather impressive,” you might say in a tone you would use to humor a small toddler. “My question is, ‘how do I know if I’m being an asshole?’”

Use your common sense. You have a mind. Use it.

Oh, fine, I suppose Big Whoop and I can hang around for a bit and go over a few topics in the weeks ahead and help you understand how not to be an asshole in different situations you may face.

But if we do this, you must promise not to be an asshole about it and use our guidelines to go about beating other little monkeys with sticks because you disagree with them.

Are we understood?

Good, I would hate for you to end up in Big Whoops Time Out Corner. It’s a place for every naughty monkeys, after all.

But I suppose we’ll get into that later.

For now, my beloved brethren, go forth today and don’t be assholes.

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