Before we begin, I sincerely apologize for missing our weekly talk last week. It would seem that in my transition to the mortal plane, I became susceptible to your mortal diseases like a common monkey and found myself suffering from a zombie virus that turned my eyes red and left me with a craving for human brains.
So, to make it up to you and especially the three of you who are now getting by on only 61% of your lovely delicious brains, I’ve talked it over with Big Whoop and he agreed that we should talk about the subject of sex this week.
I don’t feel the need to explain sex to you, since there are seven billion of you little monkeys running around down there, and ten times as many pornographic movies on your internet. You seem to have figured out the mechanics of sex quite well enough on your own.
But we will talk about what Big Whoop thinks of sex. For those of you coming from other religions, it will come as a pleasant surprise to you that Big Whoop is very sex positive. After all, he did invent sex.
Well… not really. He invented asexual reproduction. It was you little meat machines who evolved a bit and said, “Well, fuck that shit” and got right to boning like horny bunnies. But Big Whoop was very impressed by your enthusiasm for it and heartily approves of you animals bumping your naughty bits together in very creative ways.
Now, Big Whoop’s one guideline for sex is “Don’t be an asshole.”
Other than that, you go be straight, gay, bi, bi-curious, lesbian, asexual, trans-men, trans-women, trans-men into trans-women, trans-women into trans-women, straight men into three ways with women and transmen… whatever your little horny heart’s desire.
Big Whoop does not give a fuck who you fuck or where you fuck, even in the asshole, provided, of course, that you are not an asshole.
“But how do you know if you’re being an asshole?” you ask.
Are you hurting anyone with your ribald acts of carnality?
No? Then you’re not being an asshole.
What if they want you to hurt them?
Big Whoop is cool with that. You should see his browser history. Just make sure you communicate with your partner or partners openly and honestly first. And respect the boundaries that are set. This is sex. Everyone should be having a good time.
For the male monkeys, no one wants to see your genitals. They are not that impressive. If they were, they would already be in actual film, and not the sort of film you make with your smart phone. Frankly, your dangly bits are just weird. It’s like an elephant with saggy jowls is growing out of your pelvis. In fact, it’s making me vomit a little in my mouth just now. So stop taking and sending unwanted pictures of your genitals to other people. It’s not polite and you’re being an asshole if you do.
While we’re on the subject, keep your arms and hands inside the vehicle at all times. That is, don’t grab someone or touch someone unless you have permission to touch or grab them. You should have learned this in kindergarten.
It doesn’t matter what they are wearing. Why would you even ask that? Yes, he’s wearing a mankini. Perhaps he’s very proud of that beer belly and feels sexy showing it off to the world. It does not give you the right to grab ass without permission. So stop it.
It does not matter if you are ‘only joking.’ As an example, here is a very funny joke. Did you hear the one about the man who grabbed a woman’s genitals without her permission? She punched him in his testicles and he folded like someone looking at a two and a seven in poker.
It does not matter if they have previously shown off their bodies in a movie, television, magazine, or internet spread. Doing so doesn’t remove their ability to decide who gets to hump their leg like a naughty dog and who does not.
But, what if I think they’re okay with touching, but then find out that they’re not…
Then say you’re sorry and stop touching them. Don’t be a wanker. No, wait… to clarify, you can wank all you want, just don’t be an asshole.
What if they’re really hot, but they can’t tell me they don’t want to be touched?
Big Whoop is very big on the idea of consent, so don’t be an asshole and take sexual advantage of a drunk or incapacitated person. Get them home safely and leave. If you’re a standup sort of bloke, hold her hair while she vomits, tuck her into bed, go home or sleep on her couch, and get her a Sausage McMuffin and Coffee the following day. Hungover people appreciate that shit.
If you think someone is attractive and would like a date, ask them. If they say no, back off for a while. You may ask again later, maybe they really are busy that night, but if they say no a second time, stop bothering them.
If you are attracted to someone at work, read the situation. If you care about your job, Big Whoop suggests you follow your company’s rules about fraternization. If they say it’s okay to date, then ask the object of your affection on a date. If they say no, then respect their wishes. You get one… perhaps two tries, then you need to bugger off.
Do not use someone as an object for your own satisfaction.
Do not lie to someone in an attempt to get consent, do not lie to a partner, do not lie by omission to a partner about your fidelity. Big Whoop values honesty.
Consent should be clear and enthusiastic. Using coercion, power, or guilt to get laid is for assholes. Stop that shit.
Now, I think that should be a helpful guide to not being an asshole while running about humping every willing thing you meet like you humans do. And remember, as you’re grunting and moaning and sweating and making that weird face you monkeys make when you ejaculate… Big Whoop is watching… without pants.