Big Whoop Book: Chapter Four

A few more questions from the mail bag:

Who created Big Whoop?

Now that is a very good question. The answer is “it’s none of your business, seriously, you don’t see Big Whoop diving into your family tree, now do you? We’re not nearly close enough to discuss the familial relations yet, so bugger off.”


Why did Big Whoop create in the first place?

Do you have any idea how dull eternity is? No? Imagine your life as it is continuing on forever. You get up, eat breakfast, drive to work, listen to inane chatter from your coworkers, eat lunch, work some more, drive home, curse at other monkeys in their cars, eat dinner, watch TV, drink wine, and pass out on the couch every day forever.

So if you found a little world with its very own chemistry set, you would probably decide to play around with it too.


Has Big Whoop ever appeared on Earth?

Yes. As a Mr. Tim Haverdashery of Cork County, Ireland. He spent a few decades herding sheep.


Herding sheep?

See the aforementioned problem of boredom with eternity.


Do you have any advice on how not to be an asshole at work?

Oh, yes. Let’s see.

  • If you drink the last of the coffee, make some more. Seriously, it take like two minutes. Stop being an asshole, Helen.
  • If you leave two drops of coffee in the coffee pot, just so you don’t have to make more, and yes, we all know it’s you, Dwayne, you’re an asshole. Just make another pot.
  • If something in the refrigerator does not belong to you, leave it the fuck alone.
  • Unless it’s been sitting there for six months and appears to have evolved into a new form of life. Then you should try to communicate with it. If it responds, leave it be. If it does not respond, throw it out. I mean, seriously, who leaves their food in the fridge for that long anyway?
  • Refill the paper in the copier if you use the last of it.
  • Do not reheat fish in the microwave. Seriously, you will go to Big Whoop’s Timeout Corner for Naughty Monkeys for a very long time if you do this.
  • Do not burn popcorn in the microwave.
  • Don’t be a gossip.
  • Don’t talk so loudly that people on the next floor up can hear you.
  • Do not come into work hacking and sneezing and dripping your disgusting mucus everywhere. Take a sick day.
  • Do not force your salaried employees to work overtime unless it’s absolutely necessary.
  • Pay your employees a living wage.
  • Give your employees the best benefits you can afford.
  • Don’t discriminate against someone based on their skin color, ethnicity, creed, religion, sexual orientation, gender, age, or any other thing that does not impact how well they can perform their job.
  • Keep your personal space clean, keep your communal spaces clean, keep your environment clean.
  • Don’t be evil.





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