The Big Whoop Book: Chapter 5: Families


Am I right?

Goodness knows why you irritating little monkeys choose to cluster together with other irritating little monkeys so you can drive each other insane, but you do. And it’s clear from the state of things down there that you all could use a little help in how not to be an asshole to those irritating little monkeys that share strands of your DNA, but bear in mind that Big Whoop is not a therapist. Big Whoop continues, in fact, to not exist. So take everything we say on the matter with a grain of salt.

These are general guidelines and will not necessarily apply to your specific situation.

Are we good then? Celestial lawyers, are we good?

Right then.

Let’s start with parents.

Parents, listen to your children. Yes, yes, I know most of what they say is annoying and useless chatter about TV or video games or who isn’t friends with who anymore and dear God does this little monkey ever shut the hell up? Jesus Christ, why can’t I get a moment of silence so I can hear my own thoughts?! AHHHHHHHH!

But I digress. Listening to your child shows that you think they’re important and will hopefully allow you to build the sort of relationship where your child feels free to tell you anything. Even if it’s information you’d rather not know.

Also, read to them.

Hug your children.

Tell them that you love them.

Teach them to be kind.

Teach them why they should be kind. Empathy.

Discipline the little shits when you have to. But Big Whoop is not a proponent of spanking. Big Whoop doesn’t go around whacking you on the behind when you do something naughty, after all.

Don’t take your toddlers or elementary school kids to see rated R movies.

Take your screaming little monkeys outside if they refuse to be quieted.

If your child is sick, keep them home if at all possible. I realize some of you live in America and the rule of America is “Fuck you, I’ve got mine.” But do your best, okay?

Prayer is not medicine. Take your child to the doctor.

Unless there is a valid medical reason, vaccinate your children. Despite you being the product of several billion years of evolution from a single cell organism into a complex lifeform, there are still many, many single cell organisms that will fuck your shit up, yo. Give your child what advantages you can.

Spouses, realize that every little thing you do that annoys your partner will be done to you by your children and at some point, you will ask, “Wow. Am I really that much of an annoying cunt?”

Yes. Yes, you are. Deal with it and do your best to stop doing those things that irritate your partner and teach your kids to stop doing them too.

Provide for your children. If only because one day they will probably choose the old folk’s home you end up in.

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be out of the house sooner than you imagine.

Children, listen to your parents. They’ve lived longer. They’ve fucked up in all the ways one can fuck up and hopefully they’ve learned from it, so if you listen to them you might avoid fucking up the same way.

Give them respect if they deserve it.

Provide for them in their old age if possible.

Cherish the time you have with them. They’ll be gone sooner than you imagine.

If your parent is abusive, they have severed the relationship. Get help. If you are an adult who survived the abuse, you do not owe your parents anything.

Conversely, if your child is abusive towards you, they’re an asshole, cut them out of your life until they choose to change.

Husbands and wives, listen to your spouse. Make them feel heard. Let them know that they are important enough to you that you divert your full attention to them. Shut down the computer. Turn the phone off. Turn the volume on the TV down and make eye contact when they speak to you.

Love your spouse. Hug them. Kiss them. Leave notes for them. Bring them flowers or candy or oral sex often. This applies to men and women, Big Whoop is not selfish or sexist. Send the kids to grandma’s, and when they come home from work, greet them naked with a glass of their favorite adult beverage. Remember their birthday. Remember their favorite song. Remember their favorite restaurant. You have so many electronic devices to help you remember those things.

Look, my little monkeys. You have precious little time on this ball of dirt. Cherish one another while you’re there. And above all, be kind.

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